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This Time It’s Personal

I had already drafted the main piece for this week’s newsletter when I heard about the shooting at Saturday’s Trump rally. The piece I had written was a continuation of the early June issue exploring how to talk to people with different viewpoints, Divided We Stand. I decided to keep to the continuation of that topic but revised my focus in light of current events…

I do not see violence as an acceptable means to an end, particularly in politics and I do not condone what happened in Butler, PA. I may not care for the presumptive Republican nominee, his politics or his cult of personality but I believe he should be stopped with ballots, not bullets. I find the gifs and memes expressing remorse that someone “missed” to be in poor taste. It callously ignores that a rally attendee lost his life, the trauma experienced by hundreds of attendees from living through an active shooter event, and it contributes to the continuing chaos in our discourse.

Those reactions also reflect how personally people are feeling today’s politics. The issues that are being “debated” today are not abstract theories. Today’s issues often strike at our most basic needs of feeling safe and secure. Whether it’s having agency over your own body, the ability to defend yourself as you see fit or the right to exist at all, these are existential issues. As we have progressed through the past 8 years, we’ve also experienced an actualization of or the serious threat of a regression of rights.

At the same time, politicians and pundits are putting on a show for the public every day. Behind closed doors they may be collegial but on the public stage, it’s curtain up for the latest WWE match, whipping the audience into a frenzy. But the audience is unable to merely enjoy the show because ultimately the audience will have to experience the consequences. This makes the stakes feel incredibly high.

The voting public is watching with alternating fear, indignation and anger. All of this churned up and perpetuated by a cast of pundits and politicians driven by a hunger for power, wealth and status instead of listening to their better angels and working toward the greater good for all Americans. Their voices get magnified repeatedly by the media, both social and traditional, reaching further into people’s amygdala, triggering alarm. And when people feel threatened and out of control, the typical stress responses are fight, flight, freeze and fawn. 

While these emotions can make us defiant and resilient, it can also bring out another base emotion - anger. Anger has the ability to blind us to reality and even sanity. It can throw off our compass that guides our navigation between right and wrong. When there is nowhere left to turn, if we are so fearful or outraged, violence can often seem like the solution to regain our sense of control.

It’s too easy to get swept up in the show when it feels like so much is at stake.

As we move forward, we will be well served with an increased awareness of how personal politics has become. When engaging with someone with a different point of view, remind yourself that they might be fearful of the outcome. That can be used as a starting point for conversation. Ask “what are your concerns/worries/fear about what might happen?”

Earlier this week I was on a call with the Empathy SuperFriends - a group of empathy authors, speakers and trainers. Minette Norman, author of The Boldly Inclusive Leader was sharing some of her content. She made this observation which resonated with us all.

“That person that really pushes your buttons? That you don’t get along with? That person is actually your empathy teacher.” - Minette Norman

If you’ve read my book, you know its filled with stories of my buttons getting pushed. People who I had trouble getting along with and had to learn how to see them by looking at them differently. My interactions with these “teachers” lasted hours at most. A minimal engagement that over time gave me a greater understanding of empathy and enabled the development of the 5 Steps to Empathy.

There’s an expression that appears in various forms in various philosophies and religions, which I often take as a sign of its validity:

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”

What if that person that really pushes your buttons is actually the person who can teach you the most about accessing your own empathy?

What if, on a societal level, that is why Donald Trump is here? To help us all learn how to have more empathy with each other? Are we up for the challenge?

I hope so.

Achieving a different outcome means shifting how we show up. Instead of rejecting someone out of hand or refusing to engage with them, consider how a different approach might benefit.

Here are three additional tips for when you are interacting with people who may have different perspectives - political or otherwise. And again the earlier Divided We Stand piece with other useful tips.

1 - Stop ‘Othering’ - Kudos to my industry colleague, Susan Fader, who pointed out in response to the Divided We Stand piece, that by describing people as being on “the other side”, it immediately put up a wall between me and them. It made the "other” people something different, maybe even to be feared. Now that I’ve pointed this out, you might notice it in speeches from politicians, pundits and leaders who are trying to identify an ‘enemy’ and make those people appear as alien or strange. That ‘otherness’ justifies the fear, anger and scorn that comes from being confronted by a threat. Instead of saying “other side”, Susan suggested I say “people with different perspectives”. I like that much better and offer it to everyone.

2 - Recognize that These Issues are Real - Regardless of the topic, if it’s up for political debate, there are real human beings who will be impacted. It doesn’t matter if its an issue from the left or the right, someone is going to feel the brunt of the new regulation or law. When you speak with people about an issues, take a moment to acknowledge that an issue might feel personal to someone else. If you are a man, recognize that the right to have access to reproductive healthcare is a very real threat to some women and they are bound to feel strongly about it. Approach that conversation from that place of understanding. Ask good questions and actively listen in order to learn more.

3 - Integrate into Understanding - While you feel strongly about an issue, make room in your head that there are other beliefs and behaviors (Step 3 in the 5 Steps to Empathy). Get curious to try to understand where they are coming from. Ask good questions that aren’t threatening. That means avoiding using the word ‘why’ to inquire. Try other words like who, what, where, when and how to get the answer. Keep asking the question and repeat back what you’ve heard, asking them to verify that you got it right. That will help with seeing the world from another person’s perspective. For more on this, see the ice cream piece below.

I learned many years ago from my teacher, Naomi Henderson, that when we treat a topic and the other person with respect, there is nothing we can’t discuss.

Please let me know how it goes.

Reading Between the Lines delivers of-the-moment insights into empathy and human behavior; expect practical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life and exclusive updates to keep my community close. All on a biweekly basis.