How To Talk Politics with the Other Side

The morning of January 8, 2021, I was challenged in a conversation about politics in a way I never had before.

I was interviewing one of the participants of Navigating to a New Normal, the Ignite 360 study exploring changing values in American society since the start of the pandemic lockdown. It was two days after the January 6 incursion on the US Capitol. I was deeply disturbed by the images I had seen on TV - US citizens scaling walls, breaking through barricades, attacking uniformed officers, in order to get inside the Capitol building to stop the certification of the election - and the feeling of helplessness to do anything about it.

That event was not something I ever thought I would witness.

And now, two days later, I needed to ask the study participants for their thoughts and feelings about it. The first conversation was with a participant who I knew was on the far right in her political views. What was she going to say about this? Surely, even though she supported Trump, she’d see this as going too far?

We started the conversation catching up about our holiday activities. It was the first winter holiday season of the pandemic, when life was still very surreal. We found we had both seen, and enjoyed, the Wonder Woman ‘84 movie that came out on Christmas Day.

Moving beyond the holiday small talk, I started to ask about January 6…

In retrospect I shouldn’t have been surprised but the was dismissive of the media coverage. She had heard from a friend who was there (!!!) that it was peaceful and not at all like what they showed on TV. And, she observed, it seemed no different than the Black Lives Matter protests from summer 2020 which, she felt, were organized by Antifa. I was a bit dumbstruck by what I was hearing as it did not align to how I view the world nor how I experienced either of those events.

I challenged her on the Antifa claim. Responding that it was unclear, unlike with the Proud Boys, who leads Antifa and organizes it. I suppose an anarchist organization would go without leadership, but it seemed unusual to me.

As she continued to share, effectively denying what I had seen and my feelings about it, I found it increasingly difficult to continue the conversation even though I needed to get through my questions on the topic since I was interviewing her.

And then I remembered Wonder Woman.

We had both seen the new movie, liked it and were both longtime fans of the character. She couldn’t be all bad if she also liked Wonder Woman, could she?

I held onto that shared fandom throughout the rest of the conversation. “She likes Wonder Woman,” I kept repeating to myself.

My ability to have empathy had nothing to do with getting through this interview. In this situation I was merely trying to find a common shared value, belief or interest that could keep me connected to her to allow me to continue. The movie as that connection point.

Many of us have people in our lives that have political viewpoints different from our own. And over the years we’ve become increasingly entrenched in an “I’m right, you’re wrong” mentality. Calm discussion has lost its voice to catastrophic thinking. A zero-sum game where nuance, agreeing to disagree and collaborating to find a compromise has no place.

When you play by those rules, it’s no wonder people feel like we’re approaching a breaking point.

Yet, the inability to overcome our differences of opinion is one of the biggest concerns of US adults (62%) as we discovered in this survey conducted as part of the New Normal. While the data is 20 months old, our divides haven’t closed. If anything, the gap has widened, which I believe keeps this issue top of mind.

In this election year, I had been planning to share more about how to have conversations around politics and where empathy fits into that. Too many people have approached me asking how to talk to their child, partner, parent, friend, distant relative, colleague, teammate and others in their life who have wildly different viewpoints.

And then last week the 34 guilty verdicts came down against former president Trump. The cacophony grew louder still. A sizable part of the country seemed to celebrate while another sizable part of the country pulled out their checkbooks and donated to Trump’s campaign, generating $52M in donations in 24 hours.

The New York Times opinion columnist Maureen Dowd wrote about this varied reaction appearing in her own family the past few days. The next five months are going to bring more of the same if not intensify.

Can we regain a more civil discourse and work together? I believe we can if we want to, but it’s going to take patience, curiosity and empathy, along with a little courage, to get there.

10 Tips for Talking to the Other Side

No one really wants to have uncomfortable conversations like this but if we don’t prepare ourselves for when the moment arises, we aren’t going to make any progress to overcoming our differences of opinion. Here are 10 tips on how to have a conversation with someone from the other side.

Tip #1: Be Clear with Yourself - What are you hoping to achieve with this conversation? Is it to convert someone to your way of thinking? Defend your position or try to understand their thinking? Having that self-awareness will help keep you focused during the conversation.

Tip #2: Actively Listen and Reflect Back - What happens when a toddler isn’t being heard? They scream louder or start to flail around. People just want to be heard and seen. As you listen to someone, repeat back what they said in the same way that they said it - words and tone and ask them to verify if you got it right. This helps people feel confident they are being understood and provides cognitive empathy. For more training on this technique, check out Edwin Rutsch’s Empathy Circles.

Tip #3: Don’t Hesitate to Ask for Empathy for Yourself - It can be useful to say to someone “I hope you can see where I’m coming from…” and ask them to have some cognitive empathy with you. It helps move someone from repeating their talking points to having to reframe and reflect back what you are saying. And it gives you a chance to clarify your position to them.

Tip #4: Take a Curious Breath - As many of them as you need. The act of a big inhale/exhale can help make space in your mind to figure out how you might respond instead of reacting in a way that is going to escalate the conversation instead of defuse it.

Tip #5: Share Personal Stories - I’ve always found it’s much harder to be judgmental about someone you know rather than a large anonymous group. There’s a lot of ‘othering’ in politics. Break through that by sharing your own experiences or those of people you know. Share why a political issue is personally important to you.

Tip #6: Agree Where There is Agreement - Defuse the ‘us v. them’ mentality by agreeing where there is common ground. Perhaps immigration reform is something you both agree on but the way to do it remains at issue. Acknowledge that you agree on the larger topic and then steer the conversation into ‘what can we do about it’.

Tip #7: Remain Respectful thru Empathy - Keep in mind that just like you feel strongly about your issues, the other person does too. Most likely they aren’t out to “own the libs” or insult the “basket of deplorables.” Try instead to connect with an issue on a personal level that is informing their political views.

Tip #8: Get Curious - Ask questions about their views, where they came from, what they’ve experienced in relation to that. It will help move the conversation from a stand-off back into a dialogue.

Tip #9: Remember Your Connection Points to the Other Human - Just like I used that shared enjoyment of Wonder Woman to keep myself centered during the interview, recall what you know about the person you are talking to. Remind yourself of the things you have in common.

Tip #10: Having Empathy Doesn’t Mean That You Have to Agree - Many people hold this idea that having empathy with someone means that you agree with them. That’s not true. It just means you understand where they are coming from, or connect with their feelings. It doesn’t mean that you have to give up your own views.

Please let me know how it goes, which tips you utilized, where you succeeded and where you struggled, and what else you’d like to understand. Reply back to this email or email me directly: [email protected]

Q&A: How do I maintain boundaries while being empathetic at the same time?

Great question and a regular challenge for people when using their empathy skills.

I have two scenarios for people to watch out for.

As you engage more empathetically you may find yourself attracting people who are draining your energy. Maybe they are taking up too much of your time to explain their problems or feelings. Or they are laying a heavier than expected emotional load. Or they might be a narcissist who is taking your empathy but unable to offer it in return.

Having awareness to any of these behavior traits is key to making adjustments. Set time limits for yourself. Politely tell the other person you’d like to hear their story but you have a deadline or other obligation you need to meet so can this wait till later. You can then find the space to have the conversation on your terms which will help you focus on them and process what you are hearing.

When I’ve had someone share something that is beyond what I’m equipped to handle, I’ll ask “what does your therapist say about all this?” whether I know if they have a therapist or not. It’s a hint that the conversation might be better off with a mental health professional.

As for narcissists, if you are able to spot them, recognize the way they try to manipulate your emotions and put up a mental and emotional barricade so you don’t fall prey to their shenanigans. I did this once with a first-rate narcissist and I was able to witness their behavior from a distance instead of be in the swirl. And when one ploy failed to work, they switched to another, and then another. It became a desperate thrashing about, which reminded me of the final scenes in Terminator 2: Judgment Day when the shape-shifting Terminator rapidly morphed through all the human forms it had taken (3:18 in the clip in the link), trying to find anything that could extract it from the hot liquid metal it was dissolving into. It felt liberating as I was finally able to see them for who they are.

If you identify with being an empath or highly sensitive person, there’s a likelihood you are carrying the weight of the feelings of others and they are building up inside you. Imagine if you were making spaghetti and you dumped the water and pasta into a pot rather than a colander. You end up with more than you need and soon the pot will get too heavy to carry as you continue to make more pasta. That’s what’s currently happening.

Instead, replace the pot for a colander and what happens, the heavy water drains away leaving the good stuff - the pasta - for you to enjoy! This is what it can be like when you set boundaries about what you might carry from others. It’s in your nature to be there for people and understand their feelings. That’s a gift. The modification is to let go of the emotions that you don’t need - the cooking water - so that you retain what’s important to that interaction and what you need to do in the future. Be sure to find self-care practices that can help you let go of the energy and recharge your batteries as well.

Let me know how that goes and other questions that I can answer!

Join a Free Webinar Reviewing the State of Workplace Empathy 2024

If you haven’t signed up already, this is one webinar that will be worth 60-minutes of your time.

Businessolver is hosting a webinar to review the findings from the 2024 State of Workplace Empathy study. Having had the honor of fielding the research this year at Ignite 360, I can tell you this is one you won’t want to miss.

As I shared in the last newsletter, the study has revealed the critical state of mental health in today’s workplaces, revealing that 55% of CEOs and 65% of Gen Z employees experienced a mental health issue in the past year. While we are growing more comfortable as a society in discussing mental health challenges, it’s concerning that so many people are struggling.

There are more eye-opening findings shared on the webinar, as well as suggestions on what can be done to make your own workplace more empathetic.

Please sign up for the free 60-minute webinar on Wednesday, June 12, 2024, at 2:00 p.m. ET / 11:00 a.m. PT. A panel of experts will discuss:

• How you can build empathetic practices into your organization

• Which mental health benefits employees and your HR peers value and want the most  

• Who owns empathetic culture, and what it will take to close the empathy gap

Mark your calendar, register below, and let’s work together to create a better, more empathetic workplace for everyone.

Standing on Our Father’s Shoulders

I have to imagine that being a father has grown more complex over the decades, especially now as parts of society works to dismantle patriarchal systems that no longer serve us. We’ve evolved from men being strong silent types - “hunting” at work to bring food to the table and keep a roof over the heads of their family - to contemporary demonstrations of partnership and providing emotional support. Yet there are conflicting societal cues that may not enable as much EQ as desired, leaving a confused man.

Or perhaps it’s easier because you don’t have to worry about fitting stereotypical roles anymore.

I’ve been fortunate to have a father and father-figures who supported and accepted me for who I am, which has allowed me to thrive in my adulthood. From a grandpa and a great-uncle who were comfortable shedding a tear when they were moved, to my father who passed on his gift of storytelling, loads of business wisdom and has provided an ongoing belief that I can achieve whatever I set my intentions on.

I recognize that not everyone is that fortunate. Many have experienced less supportive fathers, even absent or abusive fathers who have left their own mark on their progeny. I hope other men and women in these people’s lives have appeared to model a positive path forward.

As with our mothers, many in my generation are starting to face the absence of that Dad persona in their life, which might make June 16th this year bittersweet. Or perhaps the Dad is grieving the loss of their child and what once was.

And while women bear the brunt of the challenges of having a family, I’ve heard from men who also grieve the miscarriages and failed attempts at pregnancy as well as the impact they see it taking on their partners.

It’s always a challenge finding a photo of my dad. He was the one behind the camera growing up. He’s always been great with weekend breakfast (the fluffiest pancakes ever and he mastered the Egg McMuffin before McDonald’s did) and grilling. Now, in retirement, his culinary skills have evolved and he’s taken over most of the cooking duties. And most importantly, he’s always there for me when I need support.

Whether you are celebrating yourself, a father figure in your family or another man that has made an impact in your life - Happy Father’s Day everyone!