It’s my first time…

Welcome to my first ever Naughty and Nice List for empathetic actions in 2025.

This is a combination of my personal experiences as well as what is happening out in society.

Some of these I’ve shared over the course of the year, others I’m raising for the first time.

And I appear on both lists – both naughty and nice.

Surprised? Don’t be. We’re all human and subject to missteps.

As I discuss in my presentations and trainings, half the battle is having the self-awareness to recognize how we are showing up, the courage to choose a different path, and the grace to forgive ourselves when we mess up.

This is why I usually give myself a 3.5 to 4 on a scale of 1 to 5 for my own empathy skills. Like everyone, I’m a work in progress.

In fact, the appearance on the ‘nice’ list isn’t about something I did, instead, it is about what happened to me.

Before we unveil the list, I want to remind you of 3 fundamentals…

1 – Empathy is about Connecting and Understanding – at its heart, that’s what empathy is all about – being able to see or feel the feelings and point of view of another.

2 – Having Empathy Does Not Imply Acceptance – you can still disagree with someone that you have empathy with although it’s harder to outright reject them or treat someone as ‘other’

3 – Empathy Empowers the Skills We Use to Be The People We Are – when you have empathy, it enables better communication, collaboration, persuasion, decision-making, establishing trust, reaching forgiveness, having compassion and so much more. Empathy is the starting point, it’s like the spark that starts the ignition to the action you’re going to take.

I will caveat that there are political issues here and, as I am on the left, I have my own bias in putting this together. I’d love to hear from you if you have a different perspective on these or other actions you’d add to the list.

Now, without further ado, here is the list. I’ll start with Naughty, counting down from 5 to 1 and then repeat with Nice, so we end on a “nice” note.

The Naughty List

Note: There’s so much that the current administration is doing that is devoid of empathy, from ICE raids and deportations to the bombings off the coast of Venezuela, defunding USAID, stepping away from Ukraine, allowing health insurance subsidies to lapse, DOGE-ing the federal workforce, allowing SNAP benefits to expire during the shutdown, inflicting the pain of unaffordability on everyday Americans and more. It could be its own list of bad behavior. I chose to leave these out. Not because they aren’t naughty, but because it’s covered by so many people, I wanted to bring attention to other actions by other people.

And, perhaps you agree with the policies however I hope you can see how the way this is being carried out is lacking in empathy or even sympathy for the people who are suffering.

5. People Mischaracterizing Empathy as Toxic – Just because you don’t understand something, it doesn’t make it wrong or evil or toxic. Several authors and influencers took the work of Paul Bloom and twisted it to suit their needs. Bloom argues that we need a balance of empathetic compassion and rational thinking to temper our decision making. I agree with him. If you are overly rational, you overlook the humanity of the person you are interacting with and too much empathy and you risk making decisions that might be one sided and don’t help the common good. In fact, that’s exactly what people at the extremes of the political spectrum do. They over-empathize with a community or demographic and will fail to empathize with people on the other side. That is what’s toxic.

For more, see this edition of the newsletter from August.

4. Corporate Caving on DEI – This isn’t just about company leaders who kissed the ring of the administration, turning their backs on employees and customers. I have heard some cringe-worthy stories of DEI training where white people were shamed for the sins of their forefathers and others where schools of teen boys were made to feel guilty for all sexist behavior toward girls. Those situations are not right and blaming others does not advance the cause of helping everyone have the chance to advance. I’m all for hiring the best candidate and at the same time, support methods that cast the net wide so that we find those candidates and review their qualifications in a way that bias is minimized.

As the new administration took over and some companies suddenly rolled back their diversity efforts, the communication was so lacking in empathy that it drove a wedge between them and the consumer. Target is the poster child for this behavior and it resulted in a consumer boycott that’s still ongoing, has cost the company billions in revenue and contributed to a recent change in leadership.

This issue made the Naughty list because of insensitivity. A lack of empathy in the way the change was communicated and perspective on how it would make other constituents feel.

The inverse of Target is Costco, who stood up to shareholders and pressure from the far right to continue to stand by their values.

I haven’t joined Costco but I have dramatically cut back my shopping at Target as a result of their behavior. Boycotts really do work so please vote with your wallet.

3. That Time I Lost My Cool… - The stress of current events gets to all of us, and we have to balance it with whatever stress we have in our personal and work lives. In my case, a confluence of events led to me speaking out in a very out of character way at the hair salon to correct a patron who had some ‘alternate facts’ about the war in Ukraine.

The full encounter and my lessons learned can be found here…

I believe I’ve been good and kept my cool ever since, choosing to have conversations and asking good questions but, in my opinion, this outburst belonged on the naughty list.

2. Politicians Using Fear to Manipulate Us – Once you see this, you can’t unsee it. One of the oldest tricks in the book, knowing what scares an audience and using it to manipulate in order to gain votes and support. Look who gets villainized by our politicians and before you go to a place of fearing the ‘other’, ask yourself what you know about them, how you might listen and learn in order to build empathy and use that understanding to reach a better outcome.

This also capitalizes on how we are hard-wired by evolution to detect threats and stay on guard. Most of humanity has evolved beyond worrying about threats from wild animals and competing tribes. If that’s true, then why do we continue to cast each other as the enemy? What will it take to bring us together? 

Here's more of my thinking on this topic.

And on a semi-related note, if anyone wants to discuss Pluribus, I’m here for it! Reach out.

1. People Cheering the Murder of Others – Facing insurance premiums and deductibles that will top $51,000 in 2026 for my household of 2 adults, I have even more empathy for people disgusted by our current healthcare system because I’m now one of them. That does not mean that last year’s murder of Brian Thompson, CEO of United Healthcare is something to be cheered. Nor was the assassination of State Senator Melissa Hortmann in Minnesota this past June (check out this moving profile of her life in Rolling Stone), nor the assassination of Charlie Kirk in September.  We not only lose the moral high ground, I believe we lose our humanity when we celebrate the murder of another human. Even cheering the natural death of someone is incredulous to me. There will always be someone left behind who is mourning. Perhaps they have a different relationship with the deceased. They deserve our compassion and decency.

So yes, I was deeply disturbed by the president’s message on social media about Rob and Michelle Reiner’s recent murder being due to Trump Derangement Syndrome, implying that they brought it on themselves. It’s so lacking in compassion, empathy and decency that it’s revolting.

We’ve come to a place where we don’t respect our ability to disagree, where outrage is being ginned up, we are led to imagine the worst of people with opposing viewpoints (even calling them ‘the enemy’) and we feel somehow safe on social media to broadcast our dark thoughts to the world. Whether you are the president or a private citizen, it’s cruel.

I always think about how I’d feel if people were to do that to me. Cheer the death of a loved one or someone I admired?  That doesn’t feel good on many levels.

We are supposed to be intelligent, evolved creatures, filled with agency to make choices, including the choice of the words we use to convey sentiment and empathy. Should we be cheering the death of another person in public forums, no matter how much we may dislike them?  What does that say about us?

And here’s the thing. He is going to die at some point. Maybe soon. How are we going to respond to that news? That is a choice we will have to make at that time.

But for now, the President of the United States is at the top of my Naughty List for his unempathetic behavior in this entry as well as his manipulative tendencies in Naughty #2.

Let’s pause for a moment and take a Curious Breath while we transition to the Nice List.

As we deeply inhale and exhale, let go of any stress or tension that built up reading the Naughty List.

One more time, just like that. Inhale thru the nose. Exhale out the mouth.

Good job. 

The Nice List

 5. The Co-Hosts on The View – The word ‘empathy’ is used on-air by the hosts at least once a week on this daytime talk show. I think what’s drawn me to this show since its inception is the openness to express views of women of different generations and backgrounds. It’s a produced TV show so I do recognize that there is a bit of opposing viewpoints that are encouraged however I think the co-hosts do a better job at listening to each other and being respectful than any of the opinion shows on the cable news channels. As a View-er, I respect the opinions of the hosts and find myself learning about how different people think and feel. This is particularly true with Alyssa Farah-Griffin, the current conservative co-host. I don’t agree with all of her positions but hearing her rationale and even giving her the chance to disagree with conservative positions helps me have empathy with a conservative perspective. While the show leans left, they generally respect opposing perspectives. A recent interview with Marjorie Taylor Green left me rethinking my bias against the congresswoman (and she’s back on January 7 apparently). Not all opinion shows need to be scorched earth, winner takes all.

4. People Fighting for Healthy Relationships with Tech – This isn’t just about social media anymore. As AI moves into building relationships with users, we are at risk for more isolation, loneliness and disconnection (i.e. empathy) with each other. It’s a growing problem that the tech companies seem unwilling to deal with in an honest, direct fashion, and the US government is, well, not doing their job to help keep people safe.

Fortunately, there are growing numbers of people speaking out and proposing solutions. I have included a range of people in this category, from Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation (and his new book for kids with Catherine Price The Amazing Generation), the government of Australia which just implemented banned social media for kids under 16, Scott Galloway and Kara Swisher (listen to their Pivot podcasts), and the Center for Humane Technology. 

3. People Supporting Food Banks During the Shutdown – When SNAP benefits were cut during the recent government shutdown, it left more than 40 million Americans without resources to sufficient amounts of food. Imagine living in the United States today and not being able to properly feed yourself and your family. That’s the issue many are facing, not just with “food stamps” being cut, but also with high prices for food that haven’t come down since inflation began several years ago. This is leaving people with less resources for basic needs. Again, this is America in 2025?

Fortunately, empathy with the suffering of others triggers compassionate action, like donating to food banks and volunteering to assist those in need.

Empathy also mobilizes people to respond and take action, like protesting, calling their elected representatives, boycotting, letting their voices be heard. 

2. Stepping into Harm’s Way to Help Others – There were many examples of people stepping in to help others. The clearest example I have is of Ahmed al-Ahmed, a fruit shop owner in Australia, who stepped in to disarm one of the shooters at the recent Bondi Beach Hannukah shooting. This fusion of bravery and compassion deserves to be recognized, as do the first responders and concerned citizens who helped at countless natural disasters including the wildfires in LA at the start of the year.

It's in times of crisis and disaster that we are able to put aside our differences and come together to help one another. It’s a beautiful reminder of our shared humanity and how empathy can lead to great things.

1. People Supporting Me in My Kneecap Injury – I chose to put this in first because it most directly affected me and made such a difference in my ongoing recovery. Again, this is empathy transforming into compassionate action, all of these people understood that someone is in need and putting personal needs aside to help support someone else. 

From my Dig Insights colleague Frank who came right to my side after I fell, coaching me to breathe through it, then dashing off to find our colleague Kevin, who could let my client know I’d be missing the call. And this was all 15 minutes before Frank was giving a presentation at the conference we were attending.

To Paul, Dig’s CEO, who hopped on the phone to connect with Charles and snapped photos of the scene including the puddle of water.

My friend and industry colleague, Cynthia, who gave up her afternoon at a conference she paid for, to come with me to the hospital and make sure I was ok.

Jess, Dig’s CRO, volunteered to pick up my meds after hours and grab dinner for me. She also hoisted my suitcases on to the bed so I could more easily pack for my trip home.

Other Dig colleagues there that day, Kelly, Sarah and Megan all helped make sure I had what I needed – from food to Advil and more.

And then, our niece Ashleigh, who dropped everything and flew to SF to help me navigate my house and doctor’s visits until Charles could get home.

So many people also reached out – sending care packages, flowers, phone calls and texts, it made me feel truly supported and helped keep a positive outlook instead of feeling sorry for myself. It’s still a long road but this made such a difference. I’m grateful.

 How About Your List?

What naughty and nice empathetic actions would you add to this list? Or do you have thoughts to add to what I chose here?

Put your thoughts in the comments or email me: [email protected]

Rob Spotting Update

My calendar is starting to fill up for the new year!

If you are looking for a dynamic speaker for your team, company or organization to help strengthen business results through the use of empathy, let’s talk. Email me [email protected] and we can discuss your group’s needs and a program that will fit.

I’ve got two events immediately after the holidays…

I’m back on Good Things Utah on Wednesday, January 7 to discuss avoiding the toxic empathy trap. Looking forward to seeing all my Salt Lake City friends.

I’ll be presenting to the Alumnit Learning Consortium on How to Enhance Workplace Culture, Relationships and Retention. Quite a crowd has signed up so I hope you can join us – January 8 at Noon ET, 9am PT.

If you know anyone attending any of these events or that should be attending, I’d appreciate it if you passed these on. And if you might be there - please let me know!