When I Recently Went Full Julia Sugarbaker

I’ll be honest. I cracked. I couldn’t take what I was hearing and I had to say something.

No taking a curious breath to give me space to respond.

I was overcome with being judgmental about the ignorance I was hearing.

The location was the hair salon last Saturday afternoon.

The topic was the recent Oval Office press event with Ukrainian president Volodymyrr Zelenskyy, President Trump, VP Vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio and others. A customer in the chair next to me was telling his stylist how “that was no way to behave when you come into the Oval Office". At first I thought this person was like-minded to my way of thinking. I found myself in shock at the behavior of the grown men in the Oval Office. This was conduct unbecoming for the United States.

“…and you are looking for a deal.” He was talking about Zelenskyy and his behavior, picking up the Republican talking points that it was the Ukrainian leader who was out of line.

‘He’s taking Trump’s side,’ I thought to myself. ‘How is this possible? I’m in the middle of San Francisco!’

Steven, my stylist, had asked me a question about my husband, Charles, who’s on an extended yet temporary assignment back East helping his recently widowed mom. I started to answer Steven but when I heard the man next to me say he read on X that millions of people had died in the war, I had to stop my conversation so I could listen in.

“And they don’t know where any of the money we donated actually went,” he continued.

I couldn’t believe it. I was twisting up in knots. How could this guy believe something he read on X without citing a source? Does he just believe everything that he reads?

I felt compelled to say something. The misinformation was getting to me. I believe in truth and I couldn’t sit there and let him spout out bad information.

And that’s when I turned in his direction and went full Julia Sugarbaker…

“Excuse me,” I interrupted. “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation about the war in Ukraine and there are a couple of facts I’d like to clarify.”

I may not have scaled the heights of Dixie Carter’s performance on Designing Women as Julia Sugarbaker in one of her iconic monologues (or rants if you were on the receiving end), but I did clarify the number of dead Ukrainian and Russian soldiers which I had happened to read earlier that day in a media outlet that I believed to be reliable.

And I elaborated that the aid money the US supplied went to buy munitions that needed to be replaced soon in the US arsenal. That means the money really went to US weapons manufacturers. It was hardly misplaced.

“Well that may be true in the beginning but it’s not clear now,” he countered.

“No, the money is with the US military-industrial complex,” I retorted, sure of myself.

I wanted to make a wise comment about how he was right, that this wasn’t behavior that was appropriate in the Oval Office… especially when you are the leader of the free world, but I was losing my nerve. This whole exchange was out of character so I stopped and turned back to the mirror so Steven could continue shaping my locks.

I moved on to talk about Charles, my recent business travels and the latest season of White Lotus (which I’m loving). The conversation next to me had moved on to the border.

As I’ve reflected on this unRob outburst, I realize that it was fueled partly by the accumulated stress of current political events plus what I perceived as the lunacy of what was being said and I can’t ignore the off kilter feeling I have from Charles being away from home for so long.

All of that created judgment blinders that kept me from observing the conversation or, better yet, being present in my own conversation and experience with Steven.

Even if the other guy was open to having a conversation and hearing a different point of view, the way I handled it was more lecturing than from a place of inquiry and presenting a different point of view. Kinda like that lecturing academic elite stereotype the right has painted the left with.

When I find myself in this or a similar situation again, I’ll try harder to take my own advice. Take a curious breath and, if I feel the need to engage, approach with curiosity and intent to understand.

We get the opportunity to practice developing empathy every conversation that we have. This one didn’t go well but the good news is that the next conversation is never far behind. And that’s how we can make the world a better place, one conversation at a time.

Weaponizing Empathy? Not So Fast, Elon.

I talk a lot about empathy. I write about it, speak about it, train people on how to practice it in their personal and professional lives. But every so often, someone comes along and tries to twist empathy into something dangerous—something that needs to be reined in or, worse, eradicated. Enter Elon Musk.

In a recent interview with Joe Rogan, Musk claimed that empathy is the “fundamental weakness of Western civilization,” suggesting that it’s being exploited to the detriment of society. He called it “civilizational suicidal empathy.” Let’s pause there for a moment.

There is, in fact, such a thing as empathic distress—when we take on so much of another’s suffering that we become overwhelmed and unable to act constructively. (which I wrote about last year here). But that’s not what Musk is talking about. His argument is essentially this: Caring for others—especially those who are struggling—is a bug in the system. That somehow, helping people who are in need weakens us as a society.

This is a complete misunderstanding of what empathy actually does. Empathy isn’t about sacrificing the collective for the individual; it’s about strengthening the collective by recognizing the humanity of the individuals. Empathy is what allows businesses to thrive by understanding their customers. It’s what helps leaders inspire and motivate their teams. It’s what builds resilient communities, fosters innovation, and yes, drives economic progress.

Musk himself would have used cognitive empathy at some points while building his business empire, whether its motivating employees or understanding what his customers need. But somewhere along the journey he’s gone astray. It’s been said that power corrupts and it’s also true that power corrodes empathy, which is what we are seeing here. Read any of the stories of his handling of Twitter or how his DOGE organization is behaving and you’ll see a profound lack of empathy in practice.

How could he take any position on empathy other than a negative one since he’s appearing to lack it in ways that are reflective of behavior on the anti-social disorder spectrum.

There’s another piece here that can’t be ignored: Musk’s comments aren’t just about empathy; they’re a dog whistle. When he decries “suicidal empathy,” he’s really targeting policies that help marginalized groups—immigrants, low-income individuals, the elderly. He’s arguing that we should prioritize efficiency over compassion as though we were robots ready to optimize production and output. But what he fails to recognize is that a society without empathy isn’t efficient—it’s fractured.

If we want to move forward as a country, as organizations, as individuals, we need more empathy, not less. But here’s the key: We need effective empathy—the kind that doesn’t just feel, but acts. The kind that leads to smart policies, better leadership, and stronger relationships.

Musk is right about one thing: Empathy is powerful. But it’s not a weapon to be used against us. It’s a tool we must wield wisely.

Let’s keep using it.

Coming Up…

A client earlier this week told me that I seem to have a genuine interest in the outcome of the sessions I facilitate with teams, whether it’s strategic planning, organizational change or skill-building. I was surprised at the inference that others don’t come across as invested in the outcome. Isn’t it what I’m there for? To help bring a group to a positive outcome?

I’d love to facilitate a session or speak at your next company meeting, group or organization event or retreat. I have openings in my calendar through the fall. Email me [email protected] to get the discussion started.

Here’s where I’m headed next…

March 12 - The Conference Board Strategic PMO Executives Council - I’ll be discussing how to improve workplace culture

April 16 - AMA Houston Academy - the Houston chapter of the American Marketing Association, bringing together marketing professionals from various industries for a virtual session on improving relationships with customers and consumers to unlock growth.

April 23 - Texas Association of Community College Marketers - I’m excited to speak with this group dedicated to marketing professionals and students in the collegiate space, particularly given the changing edicts on diversity, equity and inclusion among other “sensitive” words. How do you still leverage empathy when you have effectively been told you can’t? It should be a great discussion!