Do I Have to Change Seats Just Because You Asked?

It was early on a recent Friday morning. I had settled into my seat on a flight from Chicago’s O’Hare to San Francisco. The boarding process was nearly complete but the aisle seat next to me was still vacant. Looking across the row, I could see the opposite window seat was also vacant. I was sitting in first class so I knew that wasn’t right. These seats are rarely empty due to upgrade waitlists that are longer than the total number of seats in the cabin.

And then an older couple, let’s say late 60s, came on board. They were well dressed with a slightly frazzled look to them which had me imagining the possible scenarios that led to them being the last to board. They overslept? Heavy traffic? Or a late connecting flight?

The husband stuffed their carry-ons into the overhead bin, the wife just behind him, watching and waiting. He had the routine down. I pegged him for being the frequent flier of the duo (a top tier Global Services flier it would turn out).

They continued down the aisle toward my row and looked at the man occupying the aisle seat. I knew what was about to happen…

“Excuse me sir, would you change seats so my wife and I can sit together?”

The man sitting in the aisle seat on the other side of the plane didn’t look up from the video he was watching. I’d say he was early 40s, wearing a cap, air pods in his ears, tablet on his lap. He looked perturbed.

“No” he said curtly.

The older man repeated that he and his wife were traveling together and would like to sit next to each other.

“I chose this seat when I booked the flight. Why should I have to move for you?” the man with the cap in the aisle seat replied.

The older couple looked taken aback. I read it as a surprise that someone would decline their request. They didn’t look happy. He didn’t look happy. Was this an example of a how people have become more mean post-Pandemic? I wasn’t sure if a first class fight was going to break out.

I could see the perspectives of both sides. That’s cognitive empathy coming into play. I get that it’s a more pleasant and intimate experience to travel beside your traveling companion than a stranger. I also see the perspective that once you settle into your seat and start watching a video, especially at Zero-Nothing-Thirty in the morning, having to pack back up, switch seats and settle in again is an inconvenience you’d rather not deal with.

Having empathy doesn’t mean you have to agree or go along with the other person’s request.  

Waiting to see how this would play out, I was reminded of a time that I said ‘no’ to a request to change seats.

I was on a flight, I think it was Seattle to San Francisco. I boarded and got settled into my preferred window seat on the right side of the plane, which I made sure I had by repeatedly checking the United app looking for the right seat to open up and grabbing the seat when it became available. I had been through some busy days of work and looked forward to watching the coastline and ultimately the setting sun as we flew south.

Then, a couple boarded the plane. They stopped next to me and explained that they were assigned the aisle seats, one in front of the other, including the one next to me. They then, nicely, asked me if I would switch and take the aisle seat in the row ahead so they could sit together.

I decided to say no.

I never do that. Usually when I’m flying solo, unless it involves moving to a bad seat - no window or those bulkhead seats where you can’t have your things with you or extend your legs - I will often accommodate. This time though, I had taken the time to wipe down the seat using the sanitary wipes United provides on boarding. I already had my laptop out and open, finishing up a document I was working on. I had my water bottle out, a notebook and iPad plus my phone floating around somewhere. I didn’t want to have to pack back up and move, only to repeat the whole process. Especially to an aisle seat when I wanted the window.

I explained that I really wanted this seat to enjoy the view and get some work done, gesturing at my open laptop. I don’t recall that they asked the window seat passenger in front of me, as that person also could have just as easily moved. In the end, they took their two aisle seats.

As she settled in, the female of the pair who was seated next to me, acknowledged that she was a nervous flier and that’s why they wanted to sit together.

I know people that are white-knuckle fliers and I understand they can get really anxious while flying, gripping the arm rest or the passenger next to them. I acknowledged her fear, reassured her that I fly all the time and if she needed to grip my arm at some point, that’d be understandable.

We got into a conversation about her concerns about flying as well as where she was headed. I don’t remember the details but I do recall as we started to taxi, she reached forward to take the hand of her friend in the seat ahead, she said to me that it was take off that generates the greatest anxiety. So I kept asking her questions and talking with her through take off and didn’t stop until we approached cruising altitude. In the end, she seemed ok and didn’t visibly panic although I recognize that anxiety is often more acutely felt internally than is displayed visibly so I don’t want to downplay what she might have experienced.

Meanwhile, back in Chicago…

I was surprised when the grumpy guy in the cap, after a curt ‘no,’ went ahead and changed seats without any further asking from the older couple. He took the empty seat next to me and then gave the cold-shoulder to the wife when she returned to her seat after a trip to the bathroom and said “thank you for changing seats” to him. He totally ignored her!

Later, the flight attendant came by and thanked him for changing seats. He grumbled about having to do it since he had already booked the seat in advance. The flight attendant handled it really well. She acknowledged him being inconvenienced and how that happens without talking smack about the older couple across the aisle. It helped defuse him without putting anyone down. Well done on her part.

We hardly talked during the flight and I didn’t feel like poking the bear to find out what had him so cantankerous. Best to leave him be in his new seat.

What to consider when deciding how to respond…

1. Weigh the tradeoffs. Use the 5 Steps to Empathy if you find you are being judgmental or having difficulty understanding why the person is making the request. Do you have a bias or prejudice against the other person? Can you turn your perspective around and see it from their perspective? And what would it really mean if you did acquiesce to their request? Perhaps you are making their day a little better and spreading some happiness in the process.

2. Be aware of, and honor your boundaries. It’s ok to to say no. Sometimes you need to. Having empathy doesn’t mean you have to put the other person first.

3. Don’t be a jerk about it. The way you say no is just as important as the way the question was asked to reach a positive outcome. Use empathetic language when you are saying no - “I can see you want to sit together but I really wanted this seat to work/read/sleep/look out the window which is why I booked it in advance.”

Q&A: How do I get the most out of customer service?

Letting your inner two-year old out is never the way to go, no matter how good it might feel to relieve your stress. I’ve certainly been challenged when dealing with customer service, notably one time in Chicago when we misconnected by minutes, it was the last flight of the night back to SF and I was due to fly to Minneapolis the next day. All I wanted was to be home for a few hours, reset my energy and repack my bags. That wasn’t meant to be. The agent that dealt with me wasn’t empathetic, more matter of fact. I vented. It didn’t bring the plane back to the gate. I apologized for venting, explained that I just wanted to go home before the work week began. The plane still didn’t return. That experience was a failure.

Here are my tips based on how I approach these situations and using the 5 Steps to Empathy:

• Start with taking a curious breath. That long inhale/exhale creates the space to think about how I want to approach the situation.

• Recognize the CS agent as a human. I usually start by asking the agent how their day has been going, to gauge what I’m walking into. If they’ve had a bad day because the last person was a jerk, I certainly don’t want to pile on top of that. I might even be able to turn their day around a little by being nice. (And I recognize this doesn’t necessarily apply with AI chatbots, or does it?)

• Provide information to generate empathy with you. It helps when you let people know the situation they are dealing with and how it’s affecting you. Rather than saying “My flight was canceled, I have to get to St. Louis today,” try providing more context: “I’m trying to get to St. Louis. I have a (details of the reason for the trip) that’s really important to me because (a few more details here). My flight was canceled and I’m hoping you can please help me out.”

• Continue to use empathy in the conversation. Who would you rather help out? The jerk or the nice person? The agent can’t create seats out of thin air but they might be willing to look into creative re-routing that will get you there today if you are helping make it as positive an experience as possible.

• Say thank you! Pleasantries may not be used all the time but they do make life more positive for everyone.

You might also enjoy this excerpt from my book which is about the time I spent the night sleeping on the floor at Dulles Airport due to a flight cancelation.

Turnaround Time Quick Take Review

You may recall I got to meet Oscar Munoz, former CEO and Chairman of United Airlines at an event in early February. At the event I got a copy of his memoir, Turnaround Time.

Behind the scenes at an airline?

A highly empathetic leader who doesn’t say it, he shows it?

A survivor of a heart attack and successful heart transplant?

An immigrant from Mexico who was moved to do more by a few influential people in his life?

It’s all in this book…

Here’s my Quick Take Review…

Happy Earth Day!

No matter where your travels take you, I hope you can take a moment to appreciate the Earth and what we can do to nurture our relationship with our home planet.

The changing of our planet is about as big an existential threat as there can be. And what each of us can do about it in the absence of guiding leadership leaves us puzzled. In this Navigating to a New Normal piece from 2021, we explored 3 Easy Steps to Get People Caring About the Environment.

What we found it comes down to is 1) Help people care with an understanding how their actions today impact the environment of tomorrow; 2) Educate people so they know what to be on the look out for - what to recycle or not - what types of plastic to avoid, etc; 3) Get people involved with easy to achieve activities in their community or in their home - preferably where the benefits are seen immediately. Nothing like instant gratification to get people hooked.

The post includes video compilations from the respondents, including this one…

I hope you liked this edition.