What Kind of Friend Are You, Really?

👋 Hi friends,

This is not a column about Sex and the City and the reboot, And Just Like That… although it was inspired by the conclusion/cancellation of the latter series. If you didn’t watch or never watched, that’s ok, I only reference the show in the opening few paragraphs and an occasional mention here or there. It’s not essential knowledge or back story to connect with what I’m sharing this edition. Just wanted to preface all that in case you were ready to tune out at the first mention of content you’d never seen or had no interest in. Here goes…

With the recent wrap of the “love to hate but still love” series And Just Like That…, I’ve been thinking about the original Sex and the City and the friendships of the core four characters. Since I’m roughly the same age as Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha, and lived in New York during the original series run, I identified with the experiences they had. These women liberated us to talk, and act, more openly and positively about sex. I even discuss living through this cultural influence at the start of Chapter 10, Let’s Talk About Sex, in Tell Me More About That.

THE VIDEO VERSION

As a result, the latest series, even though it was despised-with-love by many, felt to me like catching up with old friends. I found in their middle-aged stories many of the emotional situations my middle-age friend group are experiencing as we move through this part of life. [Admittedly without the extreme wealth and not quite as lavish wardrobe.] What I noticed recently while viewing the show was the interactions of the friends and when empathy was and wasn’t present as well as the affects that had on their relationships.

With the show getting so much lovescorn and my connection to this collection of “old friends", I couldn’t help but wonder (#iykyk) how does empathy show up in our real-life adult friendships?

A Lens on Empathy in Friendship

Friendship is where empathy goes to work in its most everyday, unpolished form. Unlike in family or work relationships, friendships are voluntary, more fluid. Some friends come in close and become our chosen family. Some we keep at arms length. We drift in and out of our friendships and they evolve as our lives evolve.

Yet friendships are vital as they produce the connections we need to thrive. Studies have found these connections keep us healthier longer and we are less likely to die young when we have strong friendships as this article in the APA on the Science of Friendships uncovers.

What builds those connections? Empathy. Both cognitive and emotional empathy play a role in forming the foundation for our friendships. How we understand where our friends are coming from or what they are feeling.

How we use empathy in friendship isn’t static. It depends on the person, the situation they are in as well as the situation or head space we are in ourselves. You can’t show up for someone else if you are hurting or in need of more attention personally.

I was intrigued by this recent piece in Psychology Today about when we over do it and the perils of under supporting our friends. We have to be attuned to our friends, what they need when they need it, and what we need for ourselves.

This means that sometimes we’re beautifully dialed-in to what a friend needs while other times, we completely miss the beat. Think of a friend of yours - or on the show, Charlotte, who most often tried to nurture and offer warmth. Contrast that with a friend like Carrie, who (love her or not) often sought empathy for herself, particularly as The Woman navigated the 3rd season. Fictionalized Carrie’s behavior makes sense when you are the “main character” and while we play that role in our individual lives, is that the part we are playing in our friend group? Or are we part of an ensemble of friends. Depending on the answer, the way empathy is showing up in the friend dynamics appears to vary.

And yet, the paradox is that while a person who displays some “all about me” needs may also be there for friends when they really need her. In times of crisis, the empathy of understanding what is happening or the emotion of the moment engages and the friend shows up. Both expressions of empathy can be true and are real dynamics that play out in adult friendship.

As we get older, being a friend in the ways we were present in our youth gets harder. Personal and professional commitments get in the way. The sofa just gets more comfy every night and the energy to get out there on a Friday night for drinks can be harder to summon. In other words, inertia often wins out.

Making friends in middle age? Good luck!, as this writer found out in a moving piece in The Atlantic (gifted). She cites studies that find the average American spends just 41 minutes a day socializing in any capacity while it takes 200 hours for a stranger to become a close friend, and that should happen in a six-week period. How can you possibly make new good friends faced with those time challenges?

So where and how do we show up using empathy with our friends? I’ve mapped out what I see are the behavior expressions of empathy in friendships into 7 personality archetypes. Using that as a basis, I’ve developed this personality quiz, link below, so you can see how you are showing up with empathy in friendships.

Try It Yourself

So, what kind of friend are you, really?

I’ve built this short quiz to help you find your own Friendship Empathy Archetype. It only takes a few minutes, and I promise the results are more fun than the “Which SATC character are you?” quizzes of old.

👉 Take the Friendship Empathy Archetype Quiz here

The quiz is straight-forward, 15 multiple choice questions that should take just a few minutes. I suggest you take the quiz and then come back and read about the different archetypes so you see where you typed and the other personality archetypes. There’s room for open ended feedback at the end as well, I’d like to know if anything feels like it’s missing or off.

One last direction - keep in mind one friend and relationship situation throughout the quiz. Then you can try again with another friend in mind. See if how you type is different

Once you have your result, share it with a friend — or even better, invite them to take it too. It might spark an interesting conversation about how you each show up for one another.

The Seven Archetypes of Empathy in Friendship

I’m so curious to know where you ended up typing and how it felt. Did it ring true or feel off? Or maybe a little of both? Any behavioral responses that you think might be missing?

Here’s the 7 different archetypes so you can see a little more about yourself and the other types.

• The Nourisher
  The steady, emotionally attuned friend. In Nourisher situations you’re the one who offers comfort and makes sure everyone feels cared for. The challenge? Remembering you deserve to receive care and support, too.

• The Strategist
  Your empathy comes through clarity and perspective. In Strategist moments, you help friends think things through and make good decisions. When first presented with a friends situation, judgment might get in your way so be sure to dismantle it. The edge for you? Sitting with the feelings or the situation instead of moving too quickly to solutions.

• The Solicitor
  You long to be deeply understood, and that makes you beautifully open-hearted. But connection is a two-way street. Growth comes when, in those Solicitor moments, you turn that same quality of attention outward. Be sure to offer support as surely as you are seeking it.

• The Expander
  You’re the truth-teller, the catalyst, the one who shakes friends out of their ruts. Lightning, not lullaby is the Expander’s situation. The lesson? The message won’t resonate if you push boundaries too far so stay attuned to others’ pace while still being your bold self.

• The Echo
  You reflect people so well that they feel completely seen. But in Echo moments, sometimes you lose sight of yourself. True empathy includes your own emotions, too.

• The Ghost
  You care more than people think — but when emotions get big, you tend to pull back and maybe vanish like a Ghost. Space protects you, but growth comes from gently re-engaging without losing yourself.

• The Therapist
  The wise space-holder. Friends turn to you for your patience and insight just like a Therapist. Just don’t forget: unlike a one-way therapy relationship, you deserve to be supported, too.

These archetypes aren’t meant as judgments. They’re lenses, ways to notice our own defaults and, maybe, shift when needed. Remember, we’re not one-dimensional. We move in and out of these roles depending on the season of life, what our friends need from us and what we need.

How do these resonate with you?

My Own Surprising Result(s)

When I took the quiz, I did it twice, thinking about two different friends and different scenarios. And I got two different answers. I typed as The Therapist and The Solicitor.

Really? The Solicitor? That surprised me at first but then as I reflected on the friend and the situation, I could see where I was soliciting empathy for myself more than maybe I built it with my friend. Right now, given everything that’s happened in my past two years, that maybe isn’t a surprise that I was eliciting more “main character” energy, asking for more than I was giving back.

A friend who already took the quiz also tested as a Solicitor. As we discussed how they typed, there was a realization how, in the situation and friend that they had in mind while taking the quiz, they had an expectation of getting empathetic attention for acts of kindness that they were performing. Being a Solicitor isn’t bad, we just have to make sure we are balancing out those main character tendencies so that we are part of an ensemble when it counts.

And then with another friend, it appears I’m in the Therapist role. Again, not a surprise however the watch out with the Therapist is to make sure that I am getting supported as well. How can I be that and the Solicitor? This is an example of the situational nature - who’s the friend, what’s going on with them, what’s going on with me. And maybe I’m finding support with other friendships and so I’m able to lean into the Therapist role for this friend.

What I need to be mindful of is not letting either of these dominate and strive for balance. The power is in noticing when I’m defaulting — and asking, “Is this what my friend actually needs from me right now?”

A Closing Thought

Friendship is one of the most profound places where empathy gets practiced — imperfectly, inconsistently, but beautifully. We aren’t always Charlotte. Sometimes we’re Carrie or Samantha. And sometimes we’re a mix of all seven archetypes, depending on the day.

But when we pause to notice our defaults and stretch into new ways of connecting, we don’t just become better friends. We also become better humans.

So… what kind of friend are you, really?

P.S. - I’m working on how this translates to how we show up at work with our colleagues. Stay tuned!!!

Rob Spotting Update

September is gearing up to be a busy month. I have 3 speaking engagements and one more booked for early October but I can’t reveal it just yet.

If you are looking for a dynamic speaker for your team, company or organization to help strengthen business results through the use of empathy, let’s talk. Email me [email protected] and we can discuss your group’s needs and a program that will fit.

In the meantime, I’m speaking at:

“From Soundbites to Storyscapes: What’s Next in Storytelling” at the Insights Association Corporate Researchers Conference, Chicago - Thursday, September 11, 9am-10am.

“The Paradox of Leadership: How to Be Nice and Be Respected” at PIHRA Los Angeles monthly meeting, Wednesday, September 17, 7:30-9:30am

“The Missing Link: How Empathy Drives Workplace Culture, Retention and Productivity” at SHRM-Tulare/Kings County Annual Conference, Thursday, September 25, 2025

If you know anyone attending any of these events or that should be attending, I’d appreciate it if you passed these on. And if you might be there - please let me know!