Who Would Throw a Shoe at Deena?

Customer service can be a thankless job. But have you ever been so frustrated you threw a shoe at someone? On my most recent appearance on Good Things Utah, co-host Deena Manzanares revealed that happened to her once when she worked customer service. In the segment, I shared tips on how to keep your cool and use empathy during customer service interactions in order to reach a positive outcome.

After all, don’t we want to be the person they want to help instead of have to help?

Q: How do I find empathy with the college protestors? And what do I say to someone I know who is protesting?

A: Great question and it’s so important to be having these conversations, no matter how difficult it may be. The goal of a protest is getting people to focus their attention on the issue the protestors care about, not the manner in which the protest is happening. Unfortunately the latter has taken over and added to the confusion.

Hopefully we can all agree that human life is precious and should be respected. I found this recent piece by Nicholas Kristof in The New York Times to be powerful in focusing on the human suffering in Gaza by using the story of one mother and child. And similarly, this piece by Bret Stephens, also in the Times brings to light the horrors beyond the terror of Oct 7 in the sexual assault, mutilation and brutalization carried out against women by Hamas. This is the fundamental truth we should be focused on preventing from continuing and from happening again.

However, this truth appears clouded because of other factors like where in the world the conflict is happening, the lead players involved, the history between them, the racism, prejudice, nationalism, Islamophobia, misogyny and anti-semitism that exists, and our current mental state of zero sum game “you are either with me or against me”.

Of course people are protesting. “How” the protests are happening and the response of the school administrations and law enforcement only further complicates the situation and brings to mind another tragedy.

The massacre at Kent State in 1970 happened after a build-up of tension where people were threatened and the National Guard was called in to keep the peace. And then 4 students were killed and 9 more shot by those peacekeepers. This piece in The Washington Post shows how the current protests and reactions are going down a similar path toward a potentially tragic outcome.

The conversations may be uncomfortable but can we afford not to have them?

Here’s how I am approaching thinking about and then having these conversations.

How to prepare for the conversation…

1 - I start by reminding myself that having empathy doesn’t mean agreement - it just means I understand where the other person is coming from or how they are feeling.

2 - Then, identifying what I know or believe, where I may have bias or judgment and making determinations about it. This is Step 1 in the 5 Steps to Empathy - Dismantle Judgment. For example, I have many long term close friends who are Jewish so I admittedly have a bias to support my friends (not the government of Israel, but my friends, the humans I know that are Jewish). I have to be aware of this and make sure it doesn’t impede my recognition that the Palestinian people (not Hamas or other terrorist organization) are human and have the same right to live peacefully as my Jewish friends.

Over the years, I’ve been fortunate to meet, work and develop friendships with Muslims and Arabs, getting to know more about their lives, culture and values. This has helped me recognize the human values that are important to us all.

Whether you do or don’t know people who are Jewish or Palestinian, check yourself for the prejudices you might harbor based on stereotypes and stigma. Do your best to leave those outside when you open the door to a conversation.

3 - Be honest and curious about what you may feel conflicted about - there may be dissonance about what happened in Israel on Oct 7 compared to Gaza and not wanting to minimize your outrage about that terrorist act. It might help to lean into Step 4 - Integrate into Understanding, where it is possible for two things to be true and how do we make space for that in our heads.

4 - Ask yourself what you are looking to gain from a conversation - context is everything and who and how you are having the conversation makes a difference. Sharing fears, frustrations and questions with someone in your inner circle that you trust will be very different from having a conversation with an acquaintance or even a stranger or a protestor themselves. Presumably you are looking to be heard and understood. What do you want from the other person? To understand their point of view as well or be the recipient for your frustrations on the issue? Clarity on this will help in how you introduce the topic and move through a discussion.

5 - Take a curious breath - a big breath in, feeling your lungs expand and press on your ribcage, then a long exhale out. While that’s happening, imagine space expanding in your mind, giving you a chance to decide how to respond instead of a knee-jerk reaction. It’s breathing so don’t forget to do it as often as needed.

How to have the conversation…

Here’s how a sample conversation might play out. Try to do this in real life as the limitations of social media and text may prove frustrating.

Find the specific words and phrasing that are comfortable for you, following the general direction I’m providing below…

1 - Introduce the topic with a broad open question: “what’s your take on the college protests?”

If you’ve already talked about Oct 7 and Gaza with the person, the conversation will likely pick right up. If this is the first time there may be some exploration of how much they are paying attention to the news and their attitudes about it.

If the person you know is Jewish, Palestinian, Muslim, Arab, or a parent with a child attending university or somehow linked to the issue, they may be more in need of support and comfort than those further removed. In that case, if you haven’t talked about it before but want to bring it up, start with “I was reading/heard about the college protests. How are you doing with that?” Follow their lead if they want to discuss it in depth or not.

Two phrases I like to keep handy include: “How can I support you today?” and “I’m here if you ever need to talk.” Just remember not to pry.

2 - Actively listen to the answer by making eye contact, nodding, repeating back what you are hearing and asking for verification that it’s correct.

3 - Use empathetic language in your response “I see where you are coming from, that the protestors were wrong in threatening the lives of the Jewish students and I agree with you. What I’m trying to figure out is…”

4 - Continue to ask good questions (step 2) and actively listen (step 3) while keeping your judgment dismantled (step 1) and making room in your head that there are other ways of looking at the world (step 4) and we want to be curious and try to understand where they are coming from.

5 - Use your solution imagination (step 5) to further the conversation based on what you are picking up. “So I understand you are against the threats of violence, how did you feel about the police coming in to break up the protests?”

6 - Ask for empathy if you feel the other person isn’t seeing your point of view (remembering that having empathy with you doesn’t mean they have to agree). “I hope you can see where I’m coming from, I feel that protests are important and we need to make ‘good trouble’ but that doesn’t mean we should threaten violence or destroy physical property that isn’t ours.”

7 - Bring the conversation to a close with empathetic support. “Thank you for sharing that with me, while we disagree on a couple of things, it helps me think about it as I hear your thoughts. I appreciate it.”

8 - Avoid the urge to fling an insult, even if one is tossed at you. Take the high road - “Let’s agree to disagree. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.”

9 - Reflect on the conversation afterward without ruminating. What did you learn? Which of the steps did you have trouble with? What would you do differently in the future?

Please share your feedback and questions if you’ve had this type of conversation or other difficult discussions. I’d like to hear about your experiences and what worked and didn’t work. Email [email protected] or just hit ‘reply’ if you got this edition via email.

If you are looking for ways to take action:

Given the chaos of the world we’re living in, it’s possible that you are experiencing empathic distress - that’s when you are not sure who or how you can help on this issue and by not fully identifying with the protestors it adds to the confusion of what the best course of action might be for you. It’s normal to experience this, I’ve definitely suffered from it and this past Reading Between the Lines edition might be useful for you.

Here are a few resources to consider…

Contact your Congressperson - a phone call or email helps elected officials know what’s important to their constituents. You don’t have to restrict yourself to calling only your representative either.

Support World Central Kitchen - founded by chef Jose Andres, WCK is actively providing meals to people in Gaza.

RAINN is the leading anti-sexual violence organization in the US, there are different ways to get involved and support their efforts here in the US.

International Rescue Organization is on the ground in Gaza, Ukraine and other hot spots around the world helping with relief efforts - from food and safe drinking water to medical supplies and more. Gifts are currently being matched according to the website at the time of writing this.

Sunday May 5 into Monday May 6 is Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day which is recognized by the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum and remembers the lives of 6+ million Jews who died in the Holocaust during World War 2.

Happy Mothering, not Smothering Day!

In recent years I’ve tried to broaden how I think about and recognize Mother’s Day. For years, greeting card companies have offered expressions of devotion and gratitude to the multi-generational mother figures in a person’s life with “grands” and “aunts” and even “sisters”. I dutifully bought said cards and sent them out. Even occasionally finding one appropriate for the cats to send.

Today, I also try to have awareness of those people who nurtured me in the broader village outside my bloodline. It really isn’t fair to put the full weight of molding a human being on one person or one family. Each of us have gifts and perspective to share that can help raise how a person shows up in the world.

Nancy, our neighbor in Indiana who was also the principal’s secretary at my high school was a big influence in my life as were some early bosses who took me under their wing - Kathy, Nati, Candy and Pam in particular. Moms of friends also became surrogate moms of mine, thinking of Jill and Sandy in particular.

As my generation moves up in years, Moms also begin leaving this Earth and the absence creates a hole that’s hard to fill. While grieving the loss of my grandmothers the past few years, I found Anderson Cooper’s podcast on grief, called All There Is, to be remarkably comforting as he tackles his grief over the loss of his mom and explores different types of grief from the loss of loved ones.

I’m also aware that for every great mom like June Cleaver, Carol Brady, Clair Huxtable, Lorelai Gilmore, Marge Simpson or Rainbow Johnson, there are bad moms like Alexis Carrington, Edina Monsoon, Mommie Dearest, Mama Rose or even a Serial Mom. In real life too. I hope if you didn’t have the best relationship or experience with your mother, you at least had a Nancy, Candy or Pam to take you under your wing and provide some maternal nurturing.

There are also those who have lost their children to illness, suicide, accidents and other misfortune. I can only imagine the challenges this day presents for you and I hope you find peace and comfort in the memory of mothering your loved one.

Similarly, the women currently in the process of becoming mothers and facing the challenges of that journey. Having a holiday that celebrates a destination you strive for but have not yet reached is painful. For those that aren’t aware, NIH estimates there are 23 million miscarriages in the US each year - that works out to 44 pregnancy losses per minute! I know so many women who have lost pregnancies at different points, I hope we continue to talk about this all too common situation so we can help each other through the grief.

So no matter who you recognize and celebrate - Happy Mother’s Day!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

While moms may “drive us crazy” sometimes, there is a very real increase in mental health issues, particularly among teens and young adults, that we need to address as a society.

Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m here to let you know that it’s ok to admit that you are struggling with a mental health challenge. It’s much more common than you probably realize. In fact, 1 in 5 US adults are estimated to have mental health issues. And since it’s a range of conditions with significant stigma still attached to it, it’s a “silent” disease and NAMI and WHO data shows that 54% of US adults leave it untreated and the typical waiting time between first symptoms and treatment is 11 years!

Self-empathy is useful to develop as you contemplate your mental health. From reflecting and checking in with yourself to understanding the triggers, empathy is valuable in leading you toward treatment.

My journey…

I believe in being honest because when we keep secrets it gives others power over us which they may use against us. Bringing mental health into the light helps reduce stigma, helps us get the help we need and deserve, and turn the tide. If you have a physical illness that was preventing you from functioning normally and being at ease, wouldn’t you go to the doctor? What makes it any different with a mental illness? Just the shame that comes from the stigma.

My own truth around mental health - I had my first mid-life crisis starting in 2012. I remember the moment it started, I was in the field on a research project and received some news that disturbed me. That’s when my energy shifted. It felt like my energy was spinning faster and faster inside me instead of floating in a calm stasis. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it to settle down.

Then, I found I started seeking validation in unhealthy ways. I had the self-awareness to know I was losing a degree of control and focus and that I needed help.

My gap between first symptoms and starting treatment was about two months. A friend referred me to his therapist and I’ve been working with Greg ever since. Another friend connected me to Marie, the energy healer that I see regularly. Together, through a combination of psychological and energetic healing over the course of a year or two, the spinning finally slowed down and stopped.

That’s when the real work began, peeling the onion repeatedly to get at those painful experiences in my past that would get in my way. And just when I think I’m in a good place, spirit has a way of dislodging another obstacle for me to clear. Working through my past and present life isn’t easy, it can be hard work but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The feeling on the other side is liberating.

Please know that help is available. There are various resources here and a quick internet search can find additional resources in your area. There is also more tele-mental health services coming up so an affordable therapist can be within your reach.

There’s no shame in taking care of yourself.

And a footnote of sorts - I’m not a trained mental health professional so while I’m happy to share more about my journey and experiences in treatment, it’s in service of helping you figure out your path, not therapeutic care.