What Should I Say Now?

The holiday table is one of my favorite places. It’s a gathering made great by the people, the plates filled with favorites and heaping portions of love and fellowship.

But it only takes one unexpected comment for all that warmth to evaporate into silence.

One of my most uncomfortable moments at Thanksgiving happened when I was a kid. We were eating at the restaurant in the residence facility where my great-grandfather and step-great-grandmother lived. It was a home affiliated with the Methodist church. My great-grandfather was a minister with the church and my step-great-grandmother took her role as the wife of a minister seriously.

The waiter came by our party of 11, wine bottles in hand, to ask what we wanted to drink. My step-great-grandmother proudly turned over her wine glass and announced on behalf of all of us at the table “we won’t be drinking any wine, we’re Christians.”

It wasn’t on my mind that, at 10 or 11 I would have any wine, but I knew the adults might want some. My step-great-grandmother’s tone of voice felt insulting to the waiter. It was so abrupt. It made me uncomfortable. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just say ‘no thank you'.

It definitely put a damper on the mood at the table. My teenage cousin, sister and I all looked at each other. My cousin snickered and distracted us and our dinner proceeded.

These needle-scratch moments that interrupt dinner and make it awkward for people, happen more often than we think. I continue to hear from people who are figuring out how to navigate the holidays.

While it might feel safe in the moment to dodge our families and go “no contact”, that’s not necessarily the most effective solution long term, as Bill Maher argued in a recent New Rules segment.

I agree that we need to make efforts to come together and remain connected. Both in the every day as well as the holidays.

As I wrote in the last edition of this newsletter, we live in an age of being manipulated by politicians and leaders as well as a Fear Industrial Complex fueled by algorithms and technology focused on engagement rather than connection.

It’s up to us to break the spell and re-connect.

To help, I’m sharing a revised version of this newsletter from November 2024. It features an updated set of Lifeology questions and practical tips on engaging in those awkward times.

Now, if we do choose to get together with family, we have to prepare to navigate conversations, including a range of issues.

Rather than sidestepping the conversations, using empathy-building tools can help you navigate the discussion without it devolving into the equivalent of a food fight. Plus, Lifeology is back - a conversation game the whole family can play to bring both lightness and deeper connection at any gathering.

Let me know how these tips work for you. In the YouTube video above, I share three additional actions that you can take so please check that out.

Tip #1: Self-Awareness is Key

Start by tuning in to yourself. When someone makes a comment that triggers you, ask: What’s happening in my mind? Are old patterns or reactions showing up? Recognizing these tendencies can help you modify your own behavior. Remember, you always have a choice.

Tip #2: Take a “Curious Breath”

Meet the curious breath, a grounding technique that can be a game-changer. When someone says something that raises your hackles, take a deep breath and focus on creating space in your mind. This breath is your mental “pause button,” allowing you to settle into a place of curiosity and think, “What’s my best next step here?”

Tip #3: Respond, Don’t React

Now that you’ve created some mental space, aim to respond rather than react. Quick, knee-jerk reactions are what usually send holiday conversations down a rough path. Whether the discussion is IRL (in real life) or URL (online), a thoughtful response can make all the difference between a civil chat and a food fight. Remember: respond, don’t react.

Tip #4: Ask for Empathy

Don’t hesitate to ask the person you are speaking to if they can see the topic from your perspective. This approach can be useful to move the conversation from an entrenched position of opposition to one where the personal concern is in the open and can be addressed.

Tip #5: Don’t Ask ‘Why’; Use “Tell Me More About That”

The question ‘why’ puts us on the defensive. It has ever since we were little and it followed us like some dark shadow into adult life. Reframe questions by using “who” “what” “where” “when” and “how”.

And if you need to get more information, “tell me more about that” is a simple follow-up question that creates space for people to share more. That helps you better understand where they are coming from.

Tip #6: Integrate into Understanding

Just because your cousin loves stuffing instead of dressing doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Integrating into understanding is all about making room for different ways of seeing the world. Empathy is about openness, not winning points. Be curious about their perspective, and you may just learn something new—about them, or even about yourself.

Use phrases like, “I can see your point of view,” or “I imagine that felt…” to help the other person feel acknowledged and that you do indeed, understand where they are coming from.

And for a laugh, there might still be time to call in Leslie Jones, as suggested in this Daily Show segment from 2023.

Q&A: For all the time it takes to prepare, everyone eats so fast and then its over. I’d like us to talk more and extend the holiday dinner. How can I improve the conversation at the holiday table?

Great question! One way to slow the meal down and increase the conversation is to play a game.

In fact, the need for a fun way for people to build connections was the impetus for the creation of Lifeology - a game that Ignite 360 and now Dig Insights uses to bring marketers close to their consumers. People really enjoy playing and we regularly get asked if there’s an “at-home” version available. Not quite, but it prompted us to develop a holiday edition.

And now that’s been updated with more questions for the group to chew on and digest at any gathering - friends or family!

The Lifeology Holiday Edition is especially great for getting everyone at the table involved in a way that’s fun, open, and encourages a little self-reflection which is where we really find the connection points.

Download the game and print it out.

Here’s how to play:

Step 1: Set Up the Game
After you’ve downloaded the game, take the print out and cut out the questions. Feel free to add more questions if you’d like. Keep it light and fun, but feel free to include questions that nudge people to share meaningful thoughts and reflections.

Step 2: Ask a Question, Everyone Answers
Take turns drawing a question from the pile. One person asks the question and gives their answer. Then, everyone answers that same question. Be sure to listen to the answers and ask whatever natural follow-up questions come to you if you’d like to know more. Remember, “tell me more about that” is a great phrase to make that happen.

Step 3: Keep Going
After everyone answers, another person draws a new question and everyone answers that question. Keep going until either the dessert or the questions are gone!

JUST IN CASE: Dealing with Tough Topics
While the questions in the game are not intended to provoke confrontation, you never know what might come up. If a delicate or complex topic arises, remind people to respect everyone’s right to have an opinion. Then give a spin to the discussion - ask everyone to share their view and then, here’s the twist—ask them to share one thing they appreciate or respect about another person’s perspective that is different from their own. Sometimes, just taking a moment to consider someone else’s side and articulate it helps people feel heard, which paves the way for more productive conversation.

If you happen to share any photos or video of the gameplay on social media, please tag me - @Empathy_Activist on IG and @EmpathyActivist on TikTok and BlueSky.

Now, let’s pass the potatoes, defuse the conversations and may the only curious breathing be about how to fit in another slice of pie. Happy Thanksgiving!