🍪 The Cookie That Made Me Pause

Every family has its signature holiday treats. Mine includes three-generation butter cookies (we call them Tomasinos) and the popular Peanut Butter Blossoms although I’ve also become known for Buckeyes - peanut butter confections dipped in dark chocolate for a true melt-in-your-mouth delight.

Making these recipes year after year brings back some of my happiest memories from childhood and young adult years, baking alongside beloved family members and gifting cookies to friends and family. I’ve learned that these memories release the chemical super team D.O.S.E. in my brain (Dopamine, Oxytocin, Seratonin, Endorphins) which is what helps bring such warm feelings associated with these treats.

(The video for this edition is below and watch to the end for some funny outtakes.)

One thing I’ve learned as an ethnographic researcher is that everyone is different. The choices we make and our own standards for dress, decorating, cleanliness and, yes, what tastes good. But regardless, everyone brings out their best at the holidays including the family favorite recipes.

So when I was hired to research holiday baking and attend cookie exchanges years ago, I expected a dazzling spread of culinary heirlooms.

Instead, I got…a lot of chocolate chip cookies. Some from family recipes, others from mixes and refrigerated dough. I’m there to learn, not judge, so I kept an open mind.

And then one cookie was presented that looked perfect, smelled perfect but when I bit into it, tasted unmistakably of salt.
Not sea salt. Not “salted caramel” salt.
Iodized salt.

There I was, mid-bite, trying to smile and stay curious as I figured out what was happening on my tongue.

And how to respond.

You can read the excerpt from Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time here…

What I’ve come to realize from that experience, countless more like it and reflecting on my own holiday baking is that it wasn’t about the cookie. It was about the meaning behind the cookie. The story and the person offering it.

🧂 Food Is a Shortcut to Connection

What I learned in that salty-cookie moment echoes a core truth from The Moldy Pancake chapter:

Food is one of the fastest ways we reveal who we are. Our heritage, our nostalgia, our pride, our quirks all come out. As I discovered again and again in my fieldwork, including the now-famous “moldy pancake” morning, food also exposes our assumptions and our blind spots.

When someone hands you something they made:

• They’re offering a piece of their history.

• They’re hoping you’ll see them with generosity.

• They’re vulnerable, even if they don’t show it.

And that’s exactly where empathy comes in.

🛠 The Bridge-Building Trio

Three empathy steps matter most during the holidays although you are welcome to practice all of The 5 Steps to Empathy™:

Step 1: Dismantle Judgment

Your snap reaction (“Salty? Really??”) is about your expectations — not theirs.
Judgment closes the door before the story has a chance to walk in.

Recognize those biases and put them to the side.

Step 3: Actively Listen

Listen with your eyes, your nod, your presence.
Notice how proud they are. Ask what makes this recipe special. People light up when they share food memories.

Listening to someone gives them the gift of being seen.

Step 5: Use Solution Imagination

This is where connection happens.
Instead of critiquing the dish, imagine a path forward that keeps the relationship intact — curiosity, appreciation, a follow-up question.
Engagement without performance.

Holiday tables are empathy incubators. They test us. They stretch us. And if we’re paying attention, they remind us of the generous, imperfect humanity sitting all around us.

🎁 What To Do Now: Your Holiday Potluck Survival Kit

Here are four simple ways to stay gracious, warm, and connected when trying other people’s beloved recipes:

✔️ Respond to the person, not the flavor

“I love how much care you put into this.”
You’re acknowledging the effort, not the taste.

✔️ If you don’t love it, keep curiosity open

I don’t advocate lying but embracing kindness instead.

Get curious about the recipe and the family history.

“Where did this recipe come from?”
Most dishes have a lineage — a grandmother, a tradition, a memory.

And if you find out its a new recipe they are trying out, ask them questions about it. “How did it turn out to what you expected?” That can be an invitation to share your observations and maybe each offers ways to improve it.

✔️ If you really can’t eat it, set a kind boundary

“That looks wonderful however I’m pacing myself tonight. Tell me about the story behind it.”
Boundary + Curiosity = Connection

✔️ Share your own imperfect dish

It lowers the stakes for everyone at the table.

The goal isn’t to love everything you try.
It’s to love the people offering it.

🌉 Closing Thought

Food brings us together while empathy is what keeps us together.

Empathy won’t erase our differences.
But it will remind us why they matter — especially when those differences are baked into a holiday cookie.

🔗 Watch + Read + React

• Watch: The YouTube reading of the Moldy Pancake excerpt

• Read: The website excerpt from the chapter

• Share: Forward this to a friend who hosts a holiday cookie exchange — or someone who always has opinions about family recipes.

• Tell: What holiday food horror story have you experienced? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments or email me: [email protected]

Rob Spotting Update

My calendar is starting to fill up for the new year!

If you are looking for a dynamic speaker for your team, company or organization to help strengthen business results through the use of empathy, let’s talk. Email me [email protected] and we can discuss your group’s needs and a program that will fit.

Coming up in early January, I’ll be returning to Good Things Utah on January 7 to talk about toxic empathy, inspired by n of the newsletter.

And on January 8 at noon ET, I’ll be speaking virtually to the Alumni Learning Consortium on How to Enhance Workplace Culture, Relationships and Retention.

If you know anyone attending any of these events or that should be attending, I’d appreciate it if you passed these on. And if you might be there - please let me know!