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As always, a quick reminder of what you can expect in each edition of Reading Between the Lines…

1. My thinking is here in the newsletter. Links are for diving deeper.

2. I strive to deliver ‘news you can use’.

3. I also share insights into human behavior and topics I’m thinking about.

4. I include amusing or interesting “slice of life” moments.

5. The Q&A feature is based on questions that come up in conversation - please send me your questions!

6. I’d like to hear your thoughts- ‘reply’ to this email or reach out directly to: [email protected]

Spread the Word: The award-winning, best-selling Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time is Two!

It’s hard to believe but my book, Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time is two years old this month! And thanks to everyone who jumped on the recent $0.99 promotion on Kindle, the book hit “bestseller” status on Kindle in 4 countries in 4 different categories in each country! It even jumped ahead of James Clear’s perennial bestselling Atomic Habits. Thank you to everyone who helped make that possible.

To celebrate the 2nd anniversary, I’ve got a special ask. Please refer people you know who you think might enjoy this newsletter. Beehiiv, the platform that hosts this newsletter, can keep track of how many new subscribers are referred by current subscribers. The top two people who refer the most number of new subscribers will receive a signed copy of my book for themselves or to share with someone else.

And, I’ll draw two names at random from those new, referred subscribers and they will also each receive a signed copy of my book.

What do you need to do? Easy, just click the “Click to Share” button below and send this email along.

Thank you in advance! We’ll run this thru the end of February and will draw the recipients in early March.

Q&A: How can I be more supportive to someone going through a difficult time?

Offering genuine support can make a world of difference to those navigating challenging circumstances or even those dealing with life’s every day stressors. Whether it's a friend, family member, or colleague facing difficulties, knowing how to provide a meaningful safe space can provide much-needed comfort.

Were you one of the 110 million that viewed Elmo’s tweet asking how everyone is doing?

Perhaps you were one of the many that opened up and shared of sadness, worry and trauma that you are dealing with. Maybe Elmo seemed safe and supportive and would listen without judgment or self-centeredness.

Elmo clearly tapped into what’s bothering us. Simply by asking “how are you doing?”

We all have the power to be like Elmo. To hold space for each other, listen and provide comfort and support.

The first step though is to be like Elmo and ask the question: how are you, really? ❤️

A few tips I find useful…

• After asking “how are you?”, pause.

• Really pause. Create a vacuum that the other person can safely step into and fill.

• Have a follow up question if you know something is going on and you want to inquire - “how are things going with X”.

• Be present. (That means not looking at your phone or thinking about Taylor Swift’s plot to throw the election)

• Use body language to show support, gentle nods of the head are useful.

• Reflect back what they are saying and ask if you got that right - see Edwin Rutsch’s empathy circles to master that skill.

• If they don’t want to share in that moment, don’t pry. Let them know you are there for them if they need to talk.

  Got a question for me? Click here!

Truly Empathetic Leaders Don’t Use the Word Empathy

I was invited by my friend Bryan Wish to an EO - San Francisco chapter event featuring a talk by Oscar Munoz, former CEO of United Airlines. Fittingly, it was on an aircraft carrier hanger (although the United Club at SFO might have been warmer on a cold February evening!)

I remember Oscar’s time at United fondly and enjoyed his talk as he recalled his early days as CEO at the airline when he went on a listening tour, visiting employees around the world to hear what was going on for them. He told stories of meeting with the tech shop/maintenance crew in the middle of the night, and conversations with frontline employees at the gates and on board aircraft. And how those stories informed his thinking about what needed to change in order to move the business forward.

And then he had a major heart attack, 37 days into his tenure.

What struck me as he spoke was how he was demonstrating classic traits of empathetic leadership. Taking the time to be curious, ask questions, listen to the answers no matter how difficult, and use solution imagination to move the conversation forward. And finally, figuring out how to make things better, which involved winning back the trust of the employees.

Never once did he mention the word ‘empathy'. Yet every story he shared was grounded in empathetic interactions. Being a frequent flier with United and also a supplier providing insights and strategy, I saw first hand during his tenure how empathy was showing up throughout the organization.

Using empathy is like being cool. You don’t say you’re doing it. It’s a state of being.

If you are looking for an example of an empathetic CEO, he’s one of them.

I’m looking forward to reading his book, Turnaround Time. I’ll share a review when I’m done.

How Do You Respond to This?

Warning: discussion of gun violence, school shootings and conspiracy

These days you never know when someone you think you know well is going to reveal a belief that leaves you shocked. Or you may come across a post on social media that makes you feel ill at ease. How do you handle those situations? People have often complimented my ability to stay calm (on the outside) in those moments. While I may be seething on the inside, I try to turn my curiosity on to ask more questions rather than escalate into a fight.

During a recent interview with a research participant from an internal project, I was completely caught off guard by a response. It was so incredulous that I had to focus on using the 5 Steps to Empathy in order to keep it together.

Here’s an excerpt from the transcript of the discussion between myself and the participant who I’ll call Chris. Names and some identifying details have been changed. I’ve added commentary on what I was thinking in the moment and how I handled it, followed by some suggestions if you find yourself in the same position.

I had started to ask a module of questions about the election. My intention was to see how engaged they are currently and then get into a discussion about what they expect to hear from the other side if their side ends up losing. I’ll share more on that in the coming months but for now, Chris was answering my first question on what they thought and felt about the upcoming elections.

This was not what I was expecting to hear and didn’t align to what I had already heard from others on the topic. So I took a curious breath to allow me to respond rather than react, and moved on with a follow-up to see how the answer ties back to the topic of the election.

At this point I’m feeling speechless at what I’m hearing. Rumors of false flag operations have existed for everything from 9/11 to Sandy Hook but this was the first time someone revealed they believed in them. In the moment of the conversation, it didn’t sound right that March is the month school shootings peak (I’ve discovered it’s the fall months). Nor is it the biggest month for mass shootings. I did my best to keep my composure, take another curious breath (there’s no limit, take as many as you need when you find yourself in these situations), dismantle my judgment and learn more. I leaned into my go to follow-up question next.

There were all sorts of judgmental thoughts going through my head while I was listening to all of this. In the moment, I was reconciling what Chris was telling me with what I see as the reality of the world where doors are left unlocked, not every school has a metal detector, and if there is a school resource officer, campuses can be vast and they aren’t omnipresent, plus the officers are outgunned by the rifles being utilized. Also, I thought about how not all gun owners are as responsible as Chris believes them to be, and I believe it’s too far-fetched for an anti-gun organization to be orchestrating the deaths of hundreds of children in a decades long, largely unsuccessful attempt at taking people’s guns away, as Chris believes.

To be honest, what saves me in many of these situations is my curiosity and the role I was in. I was there to interview Chris. Not get into a debate or try to peel apart the flaws in thinking. As an interviewer, I can be curious and ask more and more questions, gathering information, listening and knowing that I can disengage as I am in control of the conversation. Not every encounter we face in our daily lives has that luxury.

Mindful of the time remaining in our interview, I chose to move us along. In conversation, it’s called “changing the topic” and I chose that route because I just couldn’t.

And we moved on.

This conversation consumed my thoughts in the following days. I was so surprised I brought it up with friends. Throughout, I was trying hard to integrate into my understanding (step 4) what I had heard and how this conspiracy theory would make sense to Chris. I wasn’t looking to agree with Chris, just understand their perspective and where they were coming from.

I thought about the carry & conceal study I did over ten years ago (it’s the subject of Chapter 8: Fear, in my book).

There was a flaw in Chris’ thinking and it took me some time but I think I finally figured it out.

In Chris’ mind, the following are true:

• All gun owners are responsible gun owners like Chris

• All schools keep doors locked at all times

• All schools have metal detectors in use at all times

• All school resource officers (campus police) are omnipresent and ready mentally and physically to take on a well-armed terrorist

Therefore, in Chris’ mind, it’s impossible for school shootings to be happening because schools are well-guarded and all the members of the community keep their guns locked up, unloaded and away from people that shouldn’t have access to them, like kids. As a result, Chris needed another solution to maintain their world view. And since Chris believes the “anti-gun” lobby wants to take people’s guns away and has noticed the political talk about passing legislation for better gun safety that always comes up after mass shootings, Chris made the leap that the anti-gun lobby must have “manufactured” these events to achieve their means.

What would it mean to Chris if the conspiracy theory wasn’t true? How would that affect their world view?

As I see it, the flaw in Chris’ thinking is that all those bullet pointed items above are true. If any one of those above points is not true, then Chris’ conspiracy theory is far less likely. From what I’ve seen on the news and in reports, none of those points are absolute truths. This makes the reality of troubled teens and young adults with easy access to guns, delusional revenge fantasies, mental health issues and access to buildings they routinely frequent the much more plausible cause. But that becomes an inconvenient truth and a societal problem we have to address. Which requires work. And empathy to get to collaboration and compromise on a solution that saves lives and let’s gun owners keep their guns.

We live in a fragmented, fractured world that’s smaller than it used to be, like a bustling city filled with frequent intersections and no stop signs. It’s getting harder to avoid the challenging conversations with the people in your life who hold opposing or even extremely different view points. To help you be prepared, regardless of your position on an issue, I’ll close with a few tips and things to consider when you find yourself in a similar situation:

1. You don’t have to engage. If you are feeling triggered in any way, you can always change the topic, excuse yourself or just leave.

2. Take a curious breath to make room in your head to figure out how you want to respond instead of instantly reacting which can escalate the discussion into a fight.

3. In addition to dismantling being judgmental, I find the fourth step, integrate into understanding, is often challenging as it requires you to wrap your head around something that may seem unfathomable to you. Remember, having empathy doesn’t mean you have to agree.

4. Use active listening and try the techniques in an empathy circle to reflect back what you are hearing and in the tone it is being said. It gives you room to process and make sure you are understanding what is being said. The back and forth also slows the conversation down to a more considered pace. I highly recommend checking this practice out and they offer training via the site link.

5. Treat the other person with respect. The moment you insult or belittle, you’ve lost. No matter how strong your points may be.

Let me know if you have questions or how you’ve handled similar encounters.

I hope you liked this edition.

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Reading Between the Lines delivers of-the-moment insights into empathy and human behavior; expect practical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life and exclusive updates to keep my community close. All on a biweekly basis.