Happy Pride! to everyone in the community, allies and those curious and seeking to understand.

James Baldwin once said “Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.”

Over the years I’ve come to better understand Baldwin’s perspective on the community’s persecutors. There’s always something else going on when people make the choice to discriminate, pass intolerant laws and restrict the rights of another group to live freely.

For those in the community that I speak with, there is worry and fear over this latest cycle of persecution which has spilled out of legislative chambers and church pulpits onto the streets, stores and social media feeds. It’s leading some to rethink where they live and others, how they live. And for youth struggling through the coming out process, they may be evaluating whether life is worth living at all. (For anyone contemplating self-harm or suicide, please know help is available by dialing 988 in the US. For LGBTQ+, reach out to The Trevor Project counselors by texting 678-678 or calling 1-866-488-7386)

I know from experience that it’s an awful feeling when it seems like people you don’t even know are out to get you just because of who you are. Whether you are 14 or 54, it really is like the angry mob chasing after you when you have no idea what you’ve done wrong other than be who you are. Sounds like the stuff nightmares are made of, doesn’t it?

This is where Baldwin’s principle comes in. We have to remind ourselves, it’s not about us, their hatred, anger and outrage says more about them than us. And if we can take a moment to understand where they are coming from and what’s motivating them, we can more effectively create programs and campaigns to change minds and possibly dissipate the hate.

For example, the current fixation with all things trans was identified by the social conservatives as the next outrage generator after the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage. The disgust and contempt is necessary to keep their groups together and fighting for something - and against someone as a result. This keeps the money coming in and the leaders in power.

Seeds of fear and hatred sprout into outrage, anger and violence. That gives the leader power. Unlike our last cycle of intolerance in the 90s, the voices of a few can now be magnified into what seems like many thanks to social media and algorithms that are designed to give us more of what we ‘like’ and engage with.

How do we apply Baldwin’s principle here? It starts with taking a curious breath so as not to snap back with a reaction out of anger or hurt. And then, question what the real motive might be. Is this genuine outrage based in something real or a cry for attention on a social media platform?

And if you personally know people who are part of this angry mob, taking a few minutes to think about who they are, what their experience has been and maybe asking a few good questions will give you a lot of information for empathetic understanding.

Once you have what’s really going on for them, you’ll be able to see that it has nothing to do with you and then make your own choice on how to engage with them further. This approach applies with any issue, not just those facing our community today.

Over 80% of non-LGBTQ+ US adults believe that the LGBTQ+ community should have equal rights afforded the heterosexual community. The other side is in the vocal minority. This is a far cry from where things stood 30 years ago when I first got involved in the gay rights movement.

Progress has been made through the use of empathy. Seeing and hearing the stories of members of the community who are your friends, your family, your neighbors, your co-workers can change hearts and minds. Representations in the media and among public figures also help as it gives us further platform to share the perspective of our lived experiences. Ignorance feeds hate so lets focus on fixing the ignorance.

There’s more work to be done to create the world we want to live in and I’m choosing not to let the noise of the few distract from the interests of the many. Nor should we let it distract from the celebration of this month.

On the occasion of the 54th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots where the community stood up against an oppressive police force in NYC, demanding their rights, I want to honor all of those who have come before us and welcome those who will carry the mantle in the years ahead.

Happy Pride!

PS - Here’s a picture as I was leaving the house for a Pink Pride Party here in San Francisco. I got the assignment to wear pink and as I was putting on the make-up, felt like taking it to “Twisted Baby Doll”. It was fun to push the make-up and try something different. The pink dress is from Target’s current Pride collection, btw.

Q&A:

Q: How do empathy and enablement interact with each other?

A: Great question! One of the concerns people have is that if they are empathetic with someone they might enable behavior that is harmful. Drug addiction is an example that came up earlier today in a conversation.

As a reminder, having empathy does not mean being a pushover. Having empathy means taking into consideration the perspective of or feelings of another person. You may have empathy with the issues that led to someone being addicted to opioids, for example, but that doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye and leave them to their addiction. In fact, you might be able to use your empathy with them to engage, let them know that you see how they are suffering and try to persuade them that help is available.

Please don’t let empathy overwhelm you. Set boundaries for yourself. It’s a gift to be able to connect to what other people are going through but don’t carry the load, allow yourself to retain what you need and let the rest of the energy flow out like how a sieve catches the pasta but lets the water drain away.

Got a question about empathy for Rob? Reply to this email and your question may be answered, anonymously, in an upcoming newsletter.

Food for Thought:

The hubris of man was on full display last week with the missing Titan submersible. I was hooked on this “tragedy porn” (as one friend called it) and the many aspects of our fragile existence that it revealed.

• The idea of being truly out of control: stuck in a claustrophobic submersible the size of a mini-van with 4 other people where power might have failed, oxygen is running out and you are a needle in a large haystack;

• OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush, who piloted the Titan on this last voyage, criticizing the industry calls for safety certification as hampering innovation as though paying passengers playing the role of test pilots was acceptable innovation practices. Imagine a food company saying “here consumer, we created this new product, it may or may not kill you but we think the innovation is worth the risk of your dying.” That’s textbook hubris.

• The idea of death by implosion, which appears to be what happened. Did they know or was it as the experts suggest and was over in milliseconds?

• Stockton Rush’s wife is the great-great-great granddaughter of Isidore and Ida Strauss. Yes, the first class passengers and owners of Macy’s who were depicted holding each other in bed while the water rose around them in James Cameron’s movie Titanic. They both perished in the sinking in 1912. Now a son-in-law has joined them. That’s so eerie!

• That this tragedy of hubris is occurring at the same site as the most iconic tragedy of hubris in modern history - the Titanic! “Break the speed records and sail ahead into the ice field” sounds an awful lot like “skip the safety certifications so we can start selling seats”.

• The amount of resources and money spent in the search and rescue as well as the media attention paid to this compared to the sinking of the fishing boat packed with hundreds of refugees off the coast of Greece earlier this month.

• Molly Roberts at The Washington Post wrote about how social media responded, including the jokes made about billionaires paying so much money to die when they could do something meaningful to help people suffering on the daily.

It’s a multi-layered story. I agree with Roberts’ in the poor taste of making jokes about the loss of life, regardless if they were billionaires or broke, these are still human souls lost and families missing loved ones. At the same time, I agree with the sentiment about what happened to the refugee rescue that didn’t seem to materialize and resulted in mass loss of life? Are the billionaires truly more important?

Of course I have to wonder if future tours in certified and safe submersibles will visit both Titan and Titanic wrecks so the next generation of billionaires can tsk-tsk the folly of man.

Pearl Clutch Moment of the Week

Anne Candido and April Martini are a dynamic duo. Beyond their business, ForthRight People where they consult with small to mid-size business, they also have a great podcast called “Marketing Smarts” aimed toward marketers looking to stay on top of their game and up their skills.

And they stumped me.

We started to play the ice cream game, which I often use when describing the 4th step to empathy, Integrate into Understanding. Except they didn’t want ice cream. They thought it was more realistic to go have a glass of wine.

Check it out to hear what happens next. And there are some other “pearl clutch” moments as you’ll discover. Including the definition of what a “pearl clutch moment” is.

I loved the conversation so much, I told them after the recording I want to start calling them Candy Martini, they were such a great pair and excellent hosts.

 Available on all the usual podcast locations, please listen, give it a rating and a review.

Reading Between the Lines is a newsletter designed to deliver of-the-moment insights into human behavior and empathy, drawn from the world of marketing research; practical and tactical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life; and exclusive updates to keep my community close on a biweekly basis.

I hope you enjoyed this issue.

If you know of others that would be interested, I’d appreciate you forwarding this email to them—or inviting them to sign up at the button below. Thank you!

– Rob