Here’s the Trick: Treat Them to Empathy

Dumping out the plastic jack o’lantern to discover what magic the kindness of neighbors had deposited was easily the best part of Halloween growing up.

A Reese’s cup was a big win to me and would either be immediately inhaled or stashed away for a special moment in the day(s) to come. And then there’d be other favorites - Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Snickers. The pile of “favorites” would expand somewhat but I found it was usually equaled or exceeded by the pile of “other” candy - random chocolate bars and chews I’d never heard of, confections that didn’t grace my drug store shelves or any respectable classmates lunchbox, a homemade bag of popcorn.

An apple or orange should also be on this list but growing up in the 70s and 80s the urban legend of candy tampering - particularly the old razor blade tucked into the apple was a growing concern so we rarely saw fruit. Mom or dad would then inspect the haul, lest any tampering did occur.

As I let the flavors of chocolate and “whipped up and up” nougat melt in harmony in my mouth, I would eye the “other” pile and wonder what houses those came from. Foreshadowing my days as a market researcher, I wondered why someone would think marshmallow Circus Peanuts were just the ‘treat’ the kids at the door had in mind when they knocked.

Or was it a plot to dissuade us from knocking ever again? Perhaps they were on a mission to spread the love of their favorite, forgotten penny candy. Or maybe they just didn’t care about what we kids think?

Could they really lack empathy toward an annual childhood extravaganza?

As an adult, my thinking on the issue has evolved. First, we live on a steep hill with organized trick or treating happening on the flat main street a 10-minute walk away. That means that each year, at best, we get one set of trick or treaters depending on what the neighbors are doing.

To prepare, we usually have a couple of chocolate bars in the house. But if the neighbors don’t stop by or we forget to put the light on out front, then we are left with that chocolate to eat ourselves. Woe is us.

Yet this is where empathy for the kids on their big night out comes into conflict with self-empathy as guess who gets stuck with all the extra candy if the turnout is low due to weather or the kids age out of trick or treating. A boundary gets set as you know everyone wants M&Ms but you prefer Reese’s Pieces and you will be left holding the proverbial bag of leftover candy on November 1. Just like my own “favorites” pile as a kid, that’s what I’d want left over, not an option leaving me feeling ho-hum about it.

Halloween is an analogy for what happens with empathy in other parts of our lives. We may recognize that someone would prefer something but if it doesn’t fit with our needs, then we can still acknowledge their preference while also explaining our rationale. “Hey, I know you like M&Ms, but I prefer Reese’s so that’s what I bought because I’m the one that’s going to have to finish these if we don’t get enough kids.” (Does anyone throw the leftover candy out or donate it?)

In other words, we don’t give up our own POV just because we understand someone else’s

This story below from the Dallas NBC affiliate has some useful resources - did you know that Candy Corn is the most searched candy while also #3 on the list of most disliked? Circus Peanuts tops the list of most disliked.

And in the article is also a link to this Trick or Treat Candy Calculator that will help you figure out how much candy to buy based on your neighborhood, level of decorations and weather forecast. It’s so awesome I had to share it outside of the NBC piece too!

The choice is yours. Will you be a self-empathy Circus Peanut house this year or have empathy with the kids and go for the M&Ms and Reese’s? Perhaps you’ll have so much empathy you’ll be one of those unicorn houses that gives out full-size bars!

Trick or Treat!

Q&A: I'm worried my teenager doesn't seem to show much empathy for others. Where did I go wrong?

It's not uncommon for parents to worry that their teenager seems to lack empathy. You might feel frustrated when your child struggles to show compassion, or you might even wonder if they’ll ever “get it.” The good news is that research shows that teens are still developing critical areas of their brains, including the parts responsible for empathy.

During adolescence, two types of empathy—cognitive (understanding someone else's perspective) and emotional or affective (responding to others’ emotions)—are still forming. For instance, while teenage boys might see a dip in emotional empathy due to hormonal changes, they usually catch up in their later teen years. The tricky part is that social pressures can make it harder for them to act on the empathy they do feel, especially in group settings.

Cognitive empathy enhances in girls around age 13 while in boys they start to understand the perspective of others more often around the age of 15 according to research from Utrecht University in the Netherlands. And the parts of the brain don’t fully form until the age of 21 so it can require more work on the parts of teens and young adults to have empathy.

As a parent, the key is patience and modeling empathy in your own behavior. Ask open-ended questions to help your teen consider how others feel and how they might want to be treated if they were in that person’s shoes. And let them see you working through situations so they can see you using empathy. This type of guided reflection can go a long way in helping them build these skills.

And remember, developing empathy takes time, but it can strengthen not only their social relationships but also their connection with you. Stick with it, and don’t be afraid to have those tough conversations.

Let me know how it goes!

Bring Your Cat to Work Day???

I have learned the hard way over the past four years that whenever I’m giving a talk or an interview virtually, Domino will want to get in on the act. I know this so well I even include photos of the cats during my introduction, mention their name and acknowledge up front that they may show up.

Sharing like this isn’t just me being vulnerable, it’s setting the stage for the audience to have some empathy with me when, inevitably, Domino meows and will continue until I pick her up and place her on the desk.

Recently I was giving a presentation to SDA’s EDConnect virtual conference on building more empathetic organizations and workplace culture when Domino decided it was time for her grand entrance. I kept talking while I bent over and picked her up, adding a comment that she was there and holding her up to the camera for a moment, before diving back into finish my talk.

The audience had empathy with me. We’ve all been there when we are interrupted during an important meeting or phone call or even while watching a TV show or sports event. It’s something we share as humans. I’m grateful the SDA audience was so open to having this last minute visitor. Of course learning about empathy and activities to help get there, it would have been out of place if they weren’t empathetic.

Empathy IRL: 3 Little Words that Make All the Difference

It’s never easy to speak up when someone’s words sting, but it happens to all of us. Maybe a close friend makes a comment that cuts deeper than they realize, like teasing you about something that hits a sensitive spot. You might feel embarrassed or even a bit ashamed for being hurt by something seemingly small. It’s tempting to brush it off, but that bottled-up hurt often leads to resentment or a blow-up later on.

Here’s the thing: it’s okay to admit that someone’s words affected you. You’re not weak for feeling that way—human connection is built on emotional impact, both good and bad. The key to dealing with it lies in approaching the situation with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

I came across this article on CNBC that offers great advice, and it really ties in with Step 2: Ask Good Questions and Step 3: Integrate into Understanding of the 5 Steps to Empathy. When something bothers you, try saying, "Help me understand…" This simple, powerful phrase invites the other person into a conversation rather than a confrontation. It gives you a chance to pause, consider their intent, and ask for clarity. You’re not trying to prove them wrong—you’re opening the door to mutual understanding.

By asking, "Help me understand," you are inviting the other person to share their perspective (Step 2), while also striving to see the situation through their eyes (Step 3). This method can turn a potential conflict into an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. So next time a friend’s joke or remark hits a nerve, try giving them the benefit of the doubt and invite them into a conversation. You might be surprised at how well it works!