Happy Saturday!

This week coming up is usually one of my favorites of the year. No, it’s not just because it’s Thanksgiving. My birthday is on the 24th and I’m always excited about my birthday. “Double nickels” as my mom calls this one coming up. I have no idea how that many years have gone by but here I am making the most of it.

Now I’m sure everyone is scrambling to figure out what birthday present to get me, LOL. What I truly wish for and would be a tremendous gift is to continue to spread understanding of empathy and how it serves us a foundation to success in all aspects of our life. How can you do that? Please forward this newsletter to just one person you know that you believe would be interested or has expressed interest in understanding empathy. Or tell them about my book if they are looking to be entertained while learning about empathy. That would help continue to get the word out. There’s no magic wand we can wave to make the world a better place, we have to bring about change one conversation at a time. 🙏🏽

Welcome to all the new members of the community and a quick reminder of what you can expect from me in each edition of this newsletter …

1. My thinking is here in the newsletter. Links are for diving deeper.

2. I strive to deliver ‘news you can use’.

3. I also share insights into human behavior and topics I’m thinking about.

4. I include amusing or interesting “slice of life” moments.

5. The Q&A feature is based on questions that come up in conversation - please send me yours!

6. I’d like to hear your thoughts- on the newsletter itself, on empathy in action, or another topic that’s on your mind. You can ‘reply’ to this email or reach out directly to: [email protected]

Defusing the Tension at the Thanksgiving Table

Earlier this month, a colleague said to me: “My husband and I considered faking COVID in order to get out of going to a relative’s holiday gathering.” While I chuckled at the thought, I realized she probably wasn’t the only one who views these events with a mix of joyous anticipation and dread.

One of the participants in the Navigating to a New Normal study that I lead, which is exploring changing values among US adults, has talked every year at the holidays about her own dread at going to her aunt’s house for dinner. The aunt always asks why Jennifer, early 40s living in New York City, is still single. Is it any wonder she doesn’t want to attend?

That’s just two IRL examples of what happens at the holidays when the desired, the obligated and the holiday-orphaned come together for a meal that is hopefully social media-worthy and filled with Norman Rockwell-like moments of seeming perfection.

Threatened with the possibility of a table-flipping, storm out of the house exchange, some hosts are inspired to impose “polite conversation” like the weather, work or entertainment. Today, even those safe topics are debatable like the impact of climate change or the merits of return to office policies. Even entertainment isn’t the old reliable it used to be with so few shared media experiences due to the fragmented worlds of streaming and social media.

The Daily Show and guest host Leslie Jones offer a solution to this bubbling tension stew in a skit that aired earlier this week…

(And please note, this is from The Daily Show so may not be comfortable viewing or appropriate for all ages, audiences, constitutions or political persuasions.)

While shouting down someone saying something that is personally offensive to you is what we might want to do, it’s not something that we really can do if we hope to maintain our connection to the rest of the group, or get an invitation back the next year.

The good news is that there is a way to navigate the tense without becoming terse or faking having rabies or an exotic illness.

Tip #1: Self-awareness is key

Pay attention to how thoughts are coming through and what the outcome might be if they are carried out.  It could be that you are going back to a reaction from childhood and need to overcome that now instinctive reaction. Or it could be a trigger from an adult situation. We all carry our own biases and stereotypes and past experience with these individuals can also have us coming from a place of judgment. Mindfulness of what’s happening in your head will help in selecting how to respond.

Tip #2: Take a “curious breath” 

The “curious breath” is another invaluable tool in any situation where we seek to formulate a response instead of merely reacting on impulse. When we are presented with stimulus – something we see, hear, touch or taste, for example – there is a tiny gap before we react. Go ahead and join me. Inhale. Feel the lungs expand and press against the ribs? Something like that is happening in your head at the same time. This is giving you the space to ponder - have the self-awareness to what’s coming up and contemplate what your next step is, which is hopefully to…

Tip #3: Respond rather than react

That curious breath creates room to turn things around and look at them from the other side. It’s in this space we can choose how to respond instead of merely react. It’s the reaction that is what often escalates the tension, whether its IRL or URL - a real conversation or a text, email or Slack. Taking a moment to compose a response instead of just reacting can mean the difference between a food feast and a food fight.

A quick thought on empathy…

Everyone is here based on an interest in empathy. That ability to have empathy is critical to surviving the holidays. Empathy is the understanding of another’s perspective or connecting with their feelings, as them. It will help with all of these tips, some of which are part of the 5 Steps to Empathy.

As I’ve written about in the past, keep in mind that just because you see where someone is coming from doesn’t mean you agree with them. Awareness of the 5 Steps to Empathy, the actions to take in the moment to better understand another person, will help you pass the peas in peace.

And this might be an opportunity to bring my award-winning book, Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time as a hostess gift?

Tip #4: Ask good questions 

If you want to be one of those people that asks what could be an insulting question of another guest, consider how you are phrasing the question if you want to get an honest answer rather than pissing someone off. People feel threatened when they are asked why using the word ‘why’.  This started in childhood when we first drew on the wall in marker and followed us to school and adult life. By rephrasing a question to use who, what, where, when or how, it’ll allow the other person to open up and share why with a more honest answer.

Tip #5: Tell me more about that

So here we are. You’ve asked the question, heard an answer and you may not be satisfied with it because it was superficial, dodged the question or wasn’t clear. A handy follow-up I always use is “tell me more about that…” This way you can get the other person sharing more and the honest, more nuanced answer lies in that second answer.

If you are on the receiving end and the questioner hasn’t followed my suggestion above, take a curious breath, acknowledge what you are hearing and ask a follow-up to clarify the question. Suggestions to try include: “I’m not following you, please tell me more about what you want to understand,” or “Could you clarify the question please?”

Tip #6: Integrate into understanding

Just because someone prefers oyster stuffing does not mean they are wrong. Integrate into understanding is all about making room in your mind that there are other ways to view the world. And that’s ok. Be curious and open to understand what the other person likes about it and it will create an opportunity to learn. This can be applied to a lot more than just stuffing vs dressing.

Use empathetic language to help the other person feel seen and heard. Phrases such as “I can see your point of view” or “I can imagine that felt...” to further the conversation and bring alignment for the people talking.

Don’t be afraid to ask for empathy for yourself. Use phrases like “I hope you can see where I’m coming from” to cue the other person that validation and acknowledgment of the other side is being called for.

Here’s a handy summary of the tips you can save to your phone, (just in case you find yourself hiding in the bathroom next week in the middle of dessert.)

Shall we play a game? How about Lifeology!

Lifeology is a game developed when I was CEO of Ignite 360. It uses (good) questions to start conversations, which makes it easier to develop empathy. We’ve made a version for the holidays that can spark conversation and connection. Play it before, during or after dinner. Good for any holiday or gathering when you have people around that may or may not see eye to eye. Lifeology will help find common ground and will save you from having to call in Leslie Jones.

Instructions and the game as well as some empathy pointers are available HERE or by clicking the image below.

If you happen to share any photos or video of the gameplay on social media, please tag me - @Empathy_Activist on IG and @EmpathyActivist on TikTok.

Now, let’s pass the potatoes, defuse the conversations and may the only curious breathing be about how to fit in another slice of pie.

What have you considered doing to get out of a gathering you didn’t want to go to? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Q&A: With everything going on in the world, where does gratitude fit in this year?

It seems like the world is on fire both metaphorically and literally right now. It may just be me in this reflective time in the fall but I’m getting a sense that many of us are feeling a little adrift and going through the motions rather than acting with certainty? Two wars, elections, trials, general uncertainty. It’s a lot to process. (I’d love to hear your thoughts on this as it’s a sense I’m picking up but don’t have enough data points to say it with full-confidence yet.)

Additionally, more and more people are indicating they are experiencing mental health challenges. A recent study I saw indicated it was over 80% of employees!

It may seem cliche or trite but gratitude really is important when it comes to your well-being. Studies highlighted by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that gratitude can reduce feelings of stress and improve physical and mental health.

Incorporate gratitude in your holiday conversations. Many of the questions in the Lifeology game linked above in the main piece, can lead to revelations of what people are grateful for.

Unfortunately there’s only so much we can do to put out the fires in the world. I’m sure when we see something we can do we are inspired to take action.

This year, I’m focusing on what I have that I can be grateful for. The things in my own world and day to day. I’m grateful for my karmic good fortune. For the beautiful fall sunshine that casts such a wonderful amber glow. For the cat that just has to curl up with me every time she hears me get on a live media or podcast interview. For my husband’s unwavering support. And so much more… :)

Podcasts to Pass the Time While You Go Over the River and Through the Woods…

If you are one of the more than 55 million people traveling more than 50 miles this year for Thanksgiving, I thought you might appreciate a few podcast suggestions to help make the trip go faster.

The Kim Pagano Show - This radio show out of Ventura, CA also creates a podcast. Kim and I discussed how empathy shows up and ways to express empathy. I really enjoyed talking with her and there are real demonstrations of empathy during the conversation. My interview is in the first 15 minutes of the show, beginning at the 4:00 mark.

Someone To Tell It To - Listening is such a critical skill in life and in particular in the development of empathy. This organization had me as a guest on their show earlier this fall. We delved into some interesting topics, such as the importance of establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves, particularly for individuals identified as NFs (intuitive feelers) on the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. The hosts asked some very thoughtful and honest questions about the practice involved with using a curious breath.

High Performance Zone - Speaking of the curious breath, my eyes were opened to the concept of the gap between stimulus and response in this discussion with John “Gucci” Foley, a former Navy Blue Angels pilot. I’ve since used this to help explain how taking a curious breath can help widen that gap so you can choose to respond instead of just react. This episode is from last fall but the lessons haven’t changed.

A Question For You About the Holidays

I’d like to hear about a great gift that you received. What was the situation? Who gave it to you? What made it such a great gift? And what was an example of a bad gift and that situation?

I’ll keep answers confidential but you can probably guess where I’m headed as we move into December.

I hope you liked this edition.

Please help everyone’s empathy abilities strengthen - pass this newsletter along to someone you know that might also enjoy it. Either forward this email or invite them to subscribe at the click of the button below.

Reading Between the Lines delivers of-the-moment insights into empathy and human behavior; expect practical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life and exclusive updates to keep my community close. All on a biweekly basis.