Happy Saturday!

Welcome to all the new members of the community and a quick reminder of what you can expect from me in each edition of this newsletter …

1. My thinking is here in the newsletter. Links are for diving deeper.

2. I strive to deliver ‘news you can use’.

3. I also share insights into human behavior and topics I’m thinking about.

4. I include amusing or interesting “slice of life” moments.

5. The Q&A feature is based on questions that come up in conversation - please send me yours!

6. I’d like to hear your thoughts- on the newsletter itself, on empathy in action, or another topic that’s on your mind. You can ‘reply’ to this email or reach out directly to: [email protected]

How to Give the Best Gifts This Year 

“Think of a great gift you received. What was it? Who gave it to you? What made it special?”

How would you answer? 

My colleague, Claire Farber, introduced me to this exercise during an Empathy Camp training we held for a sales team at a large food company. The participants shared stories of receiving meaningful jewelry, clothing or a service that was just the right thing that they needed.  “They got me,” was commonly heard.

Contrast those answers with the replies to our follow-up: “Think of a disappointing gift you received”.  The “bad” gifts were described as irrelevant, “more for them not me” and lacking thought and consideration for who the recipient was and their interests.

In other words, there was a missed opportunity to use some cognitive empathy – understanding someone else’s POV – in the selection of the gift.

We’ve all received great gifts and gifts that are a let-down. The one I wrote about in the opening chapter of my book was a green sweater I received from a relative when I was about 12. It was a nice sweater, a great green color, but it was wool and itchy, and I was 12. I wanted anything to do with superheroes or airplanes. Not clothes. I’m sure word got to the relative that I could use some clothes, but was a green sweater what I really wanted? No. I tucked the sweater away in a drawer under other items and maybe wore it once or twice before it left my possession to be donated with other ill-fitting garments.

To save everyone from the fate of giving or receiving a green sweater, here are some tips I’ve learned over the years:

Tip #1: Step into their shoes, as them

Avoid buying something that you would like to receive. Get something they’d like. Consider what you know about the person. Interests, hobbies, passions. Even if it’s a gift card, line it up to a store or activity they like.

Tip #2: Not everyone drinks coffee

Gift buying gets harder with people outside your inner circle, like teachers, hairdressers, caregivers or service providers.  Again, see what you can find out about the person. A teacher’s aide recently told me that while she appreciates the mountain of Starbucks gift cards she receives each year, she doesn’t drink coffee. For her, a Target gift card is more appreciated and better utilized.

Tip #3: Turn it into an experience

People long for connection and studies have found it can actually improve physical and mental as well as emotional health. Instead of giving a gift card to a retailer, how about turning it into an outing where you go shopping together?  Maybe buy them a beverage or meal out so you have some time to talk and bond beyond the shopping.  Even if it’s an online store – maybe they can take you shopping virtually or have a listening party with the music they bought with the iTunes gift card.  Get creative, get involved, make it more than an item in a wrapped box.

Tip #4: Time is the Most Valuable Gift

Sure, who wouldn’t like to give or receive a new car or shiny tech gadget, but time is ultimately most valuable. How about time spent together doing a shared hobby, volunteering at a charity together or setting up quarterly dinners where you cook for them?

Tip #5: You Don’t Have to Spend a Fortune

Lean into your knowledge of the recipient and surprise them with a childhood favorite or a memento box reflecting your relationship. “Mix tapes” were always a favorite and Spotify is even offering variations on that classic gift. Create a scrapbook or album, offer to cook for them or bake them that family specialty.

And to make sure you receive a great gift, here are some tips:

Tip #1: Make Your Wants and Needs Known

Nothing is more frustrating than trying to get gift suggestions. Provide a list of options; 2-3 at least, consider different price ranges and if you decide to ask for donations in lieu of gifts, share the organizations and causes important to you. Another holiday bummer is having someone donate to a cause that isn’t close to you

Tip #2: Be a Gracious Recipient

I once spent Christmas at a house where someone didn’t like a gift and not only announced it to the whole room but went around showing it to everyone to try to get them to individually agree. And the gift giver was in the room! Honestly, I’m still scarred from that experience.  Don’t be that person. Instead, thank the gift giver, at least they thought to give you a gift. If it’s not your size or taste or you already have one, try sharing that privately so you can develop a plan on what to do about it, together. Perhaps you can turn it into an experience described above where you go together to swap it out and get something else.

Tip #3: Send a Thank You!

I don’t do this nearly as much as I’d like however thank you notes make a huge impression. A short, handwritten note, 2-3 sentences is all that’s required.

It might keep you on the “nice” list for next year, as well.

What other tips would you suggest?  Let me know.

A Guide to Some Great Empathy Gifts This Year

For the person in your life that is into personal growth, EQ skills or may identify as an empath or highly-sensitive person, here are some gift ideas, most produced by people in my network.

Q&A: Is this a bunch of liberal gobbledygook?

Good question!  Since empathy is an ability everyone is born with, I think of it as non-partisan. I’ve seen people on the right have empathy with others of the same political persuasion. And the same with people on the left and in the center too!  What’s lacking is reaching across the aisles to have empathy with one another.  If only we can do that, then we might be able to collaborate, reach compromises and identify solutions to solve the many problems facing us today.

MEDIA APPEARANCE: How was your Thanksgiving?

As you may recall, in the last newsletter I shared the Lifeology game along with six tips for navigating those cringey conversations at the holiday table.  I also traveled to Salt Lake City for an appearance on Good Things Utah to talk with the hosts about those tips, answered an awkward question myself (watch the video above to see how I did), and we played one round of Lifeology together.

I really enjoy my visits to Salt Lake and the GTU team - they’ve been amazing to work with all year. I’ll make a return visit on Friday, December 8 to share some of these holiday gift giving tips.

On Thanksgiving day, I played Lifeology with my parents and husband between courses at dinner and it was an enlightening conversation. Let me know if you got a chance to ask some of the questions at your gathering.

To Wrap Things Up… 🎁

Let’s circle back to the very beginning:

“Think of a great gift you received. What was it? Who gave it to you? What made it special?”

I hope you liked this edition.

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Reading Between the Lines delivers of-the-moment insights into empathy and human behavior; expect practical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life and exclusive updates to keep my community close. All on a biweekly basis.