Happy Saturday Folks!

I often say that when you ask a good question, you'll get a great answer.

As someone that is fascinated by human behavior I have always enjoyed exploring the "whys" behind the "whats" in peoples lives (so much so that I made it my career). Naturally, that involves a LOT of question asking.

When I began shifting my focus towards understanding how we build empathy, I quickly identified Asking Good Questions as the 2nd Step: It's absolutely crucial to gaining context behind a person's thinking or behavior.

So, what exactly makes a question "good"?

A good question is one that is open and exploratory, often stated from the attitude of a beginner's mind. It has no judgment in it.

Mastering this skill takes a willingness to learn, a bit of self-reflection, and a lot of practice, much like the other 4 Steps.

Let's explore one part of the above definition: open.

What comes to mind when you think of the word ‘open’? For me, my mind went to the open ocean, probably because I spent last weekend with friends (and sharks) on Fire Island. When you want to understand where someone is coming from, you want to ask open questions that are expansive like the open vistas of the ocean or Montana.

This means it's important to avoid leading questions. Those are the ones that are structured in a way that influences the respondent towards a particular answer. Occasionally this is by design, like in a courtroom drama when a lawyer is attempting to illicit their desired response from the witness.

For example, "Isn't it true that you saw the defendant steal the jewels from the safe?"

About that time is when we'd see the opposing counsel leap out of their seat and yell "Objection, Your Honor! Leading the witness!"

That's because this particular type of question can potentially influence the witness to confirm under oath something that may or may not be true, confusing them or causing them to feel pressured to give the "correct" answer rather than the truth.

It's pretty easy to see why this isn't allowed in the courtroom, but sometimes leading questions can sneak up on us if we aren't careful, sabotaging our empathy efforts.

At Ignite 360 we designed an exercise to practice identifying and deconstructing leading questions that I often use during my keynotes. I invite you to play along at home!

I present the following slide to the audience and ask them: Which question is the leading question?

If you guessed the question on the left, you are correct! Let's breakdown why:

1. You're indicating subtly that you want somebody to say positive things about working in the office because you've used the word "like."

2. It's a very specific question about working in the office again. You'll most likely only get a very specific answer, which probably won't be very helpful if you want to understand what people like about where they work.

Don't let the word "how" fool you, it may feel like it's inviting an honest answer, but in actuality the rest of the question still indicates the expectation of a short (and positive) answer.

Imagine you are the person trying to ask this question. To give you some context, let’s say you are looking to improve your office in order to retain employees and boost morale and productivity.

Rather than simply looking for another way to phrase the question, take a step back and think about what it is you're hoping to learn? What answers would be helpful for you to understand?

It might be helpful to understand how they feel about all their work environments in the broader context, not just whether they like this office or not.

Asking "how do you feel about the physical spaces where you work?" opens the door for a deluge of information like a wave in the ocean! You can follow up with questions like "what are the pros and cons of the different places that you work?" and "what is your favorite place to work?"

An open question will have people telling you the good and the bad, what they like and what gets in their way.

You may hear some of the common work-from-home perks, like zero commute and only getting dressed from the waist up. But you might also learn something interesting about the cafe that someone chooses to work at, or a great work-culture perk from a previous job that has stuck with them all this time.

All of this comes in handy as you join the great rethinking of the workspace of the future, a huge task that lies ahead for all of us of the next 5 to 10 years.

And who knows, you may find that your team would rather work in Montana and enjoy the open space. 😉

Q&A: How do I use empathy when giving honest feedback?

Great I can see how hard you work at giving feedback and how important it is to you. I appreciate that and respect you for it. That said, I need to share some feedback with you that might be a little difficult to hear.

It's come to my attention that you aren't putting empathy into your delivery of feedback. As a result, people aren't feeling supported and safe, which is impacting their ability to hear your feedback and act on it. I know you and know this isn't your intention.

What I might propose is that you consider words and phrases that can keep people feeling whole rather than diminished. Some people do this successfully by acknowledging the other person and their efforts. As you work on the words you want to say, try to put yourself in their shoes and use that understanding to speak to them in a supportive manner. Honest feedback shouldn't be cutting people down.

Think about the change you want the feedback to inspire and work together toward that goal.

😉

Quirks NYC 2023

What a fantastic time at Quirks NYC last week! I hung out at the bookstore booth passing out shiny silver IBPA Benjamin Franklin Award stickers to those who already have copies of Tell Me More About That. It feels awesome to celebrate the book’s award-winning status with so many wonderful people.

The big topic of discussion at Quirks this year? AI and it's many utilizations, drawbacks, and uncertainties. I enjoyed some really deep conversations about AI and empathy (both separately and together) and am fascinated by the speed at which this landscape is evolving.

Thank you to the organizers and everyone involved for such a wonderful event!

And if you have a copy of the book, email or DM me your address and I’ll send you a sticker! The dust jacket’s not complete without it!

Heading to The Mile High City

Exciting news! QRCA's Denver chapter is hosting my debut appearance in Denver on August 15th!

Come see me at Improper City (3201 Walnut St, Denver, CO 80205) from 5:00-7:00 PM on Tuesday the 15th. We'll talk empathy and (if it's not too loud) I'll read some stories from my now award-winning book, Tell Me More About That. Please tell your friends in the Mile High City and I hope to see you/them there!

Note: books won't be available for purchase, as we won't be at a bookstore for this chat. So, if you could bring your copy, I'd be delighted to add a sticker and signature for you.

ICYMI: The Awakenings Podcast

I had a great discussion with Michele Meiche about empathy and self-awareness. Her podcast is a unique weekly live show that features a variety of incredibly interesting guests and topics. Michele and I went deep on how to use empathy at work while not appearing weak — something many people wrestle with. I hope you'll check out my episode and let me know your thoughts!

You'll find my portion begins at around the :58 minute mark.

Sharks & Aliens & Empathy?

I spent a few days on Fire Island (not the gay part) last weekend and was treated to the not-so-relaxing experience of a shark sighting! Suffice to say I kept my behind safely in my beach chair while the shark flag was up. I took this pic while it was going on, it reminded me of that moment in Jaws when the camera pulls in on Sheriff Brody’s face when the shark attacks in broad daylight.

Speaking of (UFO) sightings, what are your thoughts on the government hearings this week allegedly confirming alien life? And pilots claiming only 5% of Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon (UAP, the new UFO) are reported? What or who else is out there???

Pondering all this with Lisa Osborne, Ignite 360’s COO, we rationalized that if aliens are among us, then we are just part of some big ethnographic research project for them.

I wonder how empathy shows up for aliens and if they know about the 5 Steps...

Reading Between the Lines is a newsletter designed to deliver of-the-moment insights into human behavior and empathy, drawn from the world of marketing research; practical and tactical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life; and exclusive updates to keep my community close on a biweekly basis.

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