Hi and Happy National Ice Cream Day, Sunday July 16!

One misconception I often come across in my work on empathy is the belief that understanding someone's point of view implies agreement, approval, or even surrendering your own.

This is absolutely not the case. Empathy does not equal endorsement or sacrificing your position. Instead, empathy can be used to solve problems and overcome differences.

There are as many unique ways to move through the world as there are fish in the sea and the 4th Step to Empathy, Integrate into Understanding, asks you to simply open up your mind to the fact that a different perspective exists.

The current culture of the United States expects us to approach important and even not-so-important issues (the recent Vanderpump Rules Scandoval comes to mind) in a strict "you’re either with me or against me” type of way. This right vs. wrong line of thinking moves us away from empathy because it’s heavily based in judgment. Nothing thwarts understanding quicker than judgment.

You may be wondering what this has to do with ice cream...

The Ice Cream Exercise is a tool I often use in keynotes and trainings to illustrate what integrating into understanding looks like in action. The audience gets really engaged and you can feel the room buzzing with energy as they work together to overcome their differences. I use ice cream for this game because many people love ice cream, although I now know, thanks to Anne Candido and April Martini, that it also works with wine.

By using an innocuous topic, participants are more easily able to remain open-minded and curious than if we started with gun control or access to reproductive healthcare. This is about practicing in order to strengthen the muscles. And there can be a sweet treat at the end.

Here’s how it goes and feel free to play along or with friends later:

First, I ask participants to imagine they are headed to an ice cream shop for a delicious sweet treat, but upon arrival they learn they may only choose one flavor to share. They must collectively agree upon which scoop they’ll be getting. Same if they are going to the store for a pint or quart, you can only get one flavor.

The initial question that must be asked in this scenario is naturally, “what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?“. Nine times out of ten, there is wide variety of answers to this question amongst the group.

I then encourage them to explore that particular answer, “what is it about that flavor that makes it your favorite?”. The goal here is to understand the individual reasoning each person has behind their favorite ice cream.

As the group learns more about each other’s preferences, they are able to use that information to look for commonalities and work toward a solution that will benefit them all.

Sometimes the compromise is a bit more obvious, like a fudge brownie person and rocky road person might decide on a scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough because they both love chocolate and big doughy chunks in their ice cream.

Other times, it takes a lot more questions and a dash of creativity to reach a decision, like a mint chocolate chip person and a peach person! Check out my appearance on Good Things Utah yesterday for this example in action.

That’s what this integrating to understanding is all about. Building empathy by remaining open and curious, exploring the reasons behind peoples’ perspectives, and finding the commonalities that exist. Then, using that to find solutions that work for both sides.

Now that you’re up to date on how I managed to incorporate my favorite dessert into my daily work conversations (talk about work-life balance!), I’d like to wish you a Happy National Ice Cream Day for Sunday July 16!

What’s your favorite flavor? Think we could find one to share? Let me know!

Q&A: I’m a people pleaser. How can I practice building my empathy while making sure I’m not allowing others to take advantage of me?

Great question! Empathy, kindness and compassion do not mean you have to be a pushover or sacrifice yourself with too much people pleasing. This is about setting boundaries and also being aware of why you might be trying to people please.

As you build empathy, use it to gain understanding of others. It doesn’t mean you have to take on their problem as your problem. Before you act or respond, pause for a moment to check yourself if you are veering into the people pleasing zone or not. If you are veering into the danger zone, try to bring yourself back to center by taking a curious breath, giving yourself some space to plot a different path.

Self-awareness is so important if you want to overcome more base instincts and chart a different course. A mental health professional is also a great resource if you are looking to peel the onion on your people pleasing.

Food for Thought: Can we teach AI to truly connect?

As I’m watching the AI landscape rapidly evolve across almost every industry, I’m noticing one glaringly obvious oversight.

Hint: It starts with an E and ends with ‘mpathy’.

I’m curious as to how generative AI that lacks that distinctly human element will effect the future of, well, everything.

It’s a complicated topic that I plan on exploring more in the coming weeks.

What are your thoughts?

Did you catch me on The Career Refresh Podcast?

ICYMI: I sat down with Jill Griffin for a great conversation on The Career Refresh Podcast. We dug into the intersection of empathy and persuasion and what that means in terms of selling yourself in the interview process, interviewing prospective candidates, or going for your next big promotion. Jill coaches her clients as they look to reinvigorate their career and find the path they truly want to go down.

The Ice Cream Exercise on television!

I’ve just wrapped up my third visit to Good Things Utah, it was a blast. We chatted about the 4th Step to Empathy, Integrate into Understanding, and even played the ice cream game on the air. I must say, Deena and Gretchen’s favorite ice cream flavors (mint chocolate chip and peach) provided a great example of how we have to stay curious and work a little harder sometimes to find the common ground. But we got there! Empathy can help you overcome differences!

Reading Between the Lines is a newsletter designed to deliver of-the-moment insights into human behavior and empathy, drawn from the world of marketing research; practical and tactical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life; and exclusive updates to keep my community close on a biweekly basis.

I hope you enjoyed this issue. If you know of others that would be interested, I’d appreciate you forwarding this email to them—or inviting them to sign up at the button below. Thank you!