When Being Empathetic Backfires

We’ve all had moments when we’ve been stuck between two friends who don’t see eye to eye. Maybe they’ve even started to question our loyalties and motivations. One side hears through the grapevine what you said or did with the other party and they respond emotionally in a way that leaves you scratching your head wondering what to do next.

This is a shadow side of empathy. When it feels like you are trying to be supportive but can’t do anything right. Your efforts at empathy are backfiring, getting you in trouble with the other party.

The real-world situation I’m going to share is about an iconic American brand. And while I share what is happening to them, I’d also like to hear from you about your own experiences with empathy backfiring.

Bud Light is an iconic brand and they have been in the news the past couple of weeks because of an effort they made to be inclusive of the diversity among Gen Z and today’s society.

That meant doing a small collaboration of sorts with Dylan Mulvaney, a trans woman who has recently celebrated 365 days following her transition. Her regular posts on TikTok and Instagram have generated a massive following, with over 10M people on TikTok.

As her first year came to a close, Bud Light sent her a special can with her face on it and I believe a message of congratulations. Dylan did a short video about it that she shared on social media.

Bud Light was doing the right thing from a marketing perspective, as they are trying to be more relevant to Gen Z, which is more tolerant of diversity. The marketing team was demonstrating empathy with Dylan: because she had just reached a milestone, it was worth celebrating and they created a special can for her.

These actions were right in line with the fact that 90% of consumers want brands to show empathy through their actions. Bud Light was right in line with Gen Z.

Except… they lost sight of the perspective of another very important consumer group: those conservative-leaning individuals that might be in less urbanized areas and are not supportive of trans rights but, up until this moment, had been big fans of Bud Light.

Some of those individuals, including musician Kid Rock, reacted with social media posts of their own where they violently destroyed cases of Bud Light with guns or drove over it with a pick-up truck, or slam dunked it into a trash can.

A boycott was declared, and sales dropped 17% in a week.

Bud Light has now placed two senior marketing executives on leave and a statement from the company was very in the middle, stating they didn’t want to get in the middle of a contentious debate, they just want to bring people together over a beer. (Heineken actually did this in a brilliant ad in Europe in 2017.)

I happened to do an episode on this topic of the dangers of empathy for businesses on the Now That’s Significant podcast. As the story has developed since we recorded just last week on April 19, host Michael Howard and I hopped on a Zoom late last night (London time, where I was at that moment) and had a follow-up discussion. It’s a good conversation, not an easy situation with a clear answer, and worth a listen.

I’m not privy to the conversations at Anheuser-Busch, makers of Bud Light, but I would counsel anyone to consider all the constituents as you are sharing empathetic communications. How would someone with an opposing viewpoint feel if they saw this? In our digital world, it’s incredibly easy to share posts, texts, chats, and emails. Expect that they are going to see it. What will the response be?

Skipping the tie-in with Dylan is not the answer. Instead, brands should be striving to find the emotional drivers that connect the users of their brand together, no matter which side of the political or demographic fence they sit on. Build campaigns with the message of what unites us, consider how Bud Light fits into that, and then you can celebrate all the diverse consumers who enjoy your brand.

What that means for us as individuals in the scenario I started with: You should still support and provide comfort to your friends in need. Just consider what you might say to them if/when they find out what you’ve said to the other person. Show up for them as well if you are comfortable doing that. And oftentimes, people just need you to listen. Ask them “How can I support you today?” and see where that takes you.

What empathetic backfires have you had? Please send me a note and let me know.

Empathy > Fear

Can empathy help us to overcome what keeps us up at night when our brains’ somersaults have us literally tossing and turning?

That sense of fear, worry, and anxiousness is often irrational, and even if it is based on reality, our minds can get the best of us. Perhaps you’ve been there, too?

Marie, the healer I work with regularly, introduced me to the distinction between concern, worry, and fear. She described concern as like a weight, something you are aware of but it's not debilitating. Worry strangles you and makes it harder to focus on solutions or other things. And fear itself is paralyzing. I liked those descriptions and am now more mindful of my word choice. That alone makes a difference for me as it gives it proper context.

Concern, worry, and fear all have the infectious ability to grow, twisting and turning in our minds, growing from one to the other until it’s much bigger than it started and may be bigger than reality. And once we are in that heightened state, it drives our thoughts and actions.

Practicing a little cognitive empathy with yourself can help dissipate the fear. If you take the time to unpack what you are worried about, where that comes from, what it is rooted in, and what might need to happen to resolve the issue, you might be able to bring it down from a fear to a worry or concern, or even be able to let it go altogether.

I wrote about fear as a chapter in the book. I chose to call the chapter “Fear” because of its overwhelming power to make people take actions they might not otherwise. In the book, I write about how the fear of what might happen in the world in terms of crime drives people to purchase guns and get carry and conceal permits.

As Franklin D. Roosevelt said in one of his inaugural addresses, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” With cognitive empathy, we might be able to knock that down a peg or two.

Has cognitive empathy ever mitigated your fear of a high-stress situation or conversation?

I would love to hear your story.

Up Next: The Announcement of The Benjamin Franklin Award-Winners on May 5th!

Next Friday is the big day!

As we draw closer to the announcement of the winner of the Independent Book Publishers Association’s Benjamin Franklin Awards on May 5, I wanted to take a moment to highlight the work of my fellow finalists in the “self-help” category!

Kimberlee Davis and Sue Ludwig have produced remarkable works on life-changing financial advice for women and the incredible purpose that can be learned from infants in the NICU, respectively.

The Fiscal Feminist: A Financial Wake-Up Call for Women (Wonderwell) by Kimberlee Davis

Tiny Humans, Big Lessons: How the NICU Taught Me to Live with Energy, Intention, and Purpose (Hi, Page Two pressmate!) by Sue Ludwig

No matter a gold or silver commendation, I’m honored that empathy has been amplified by the IBPA — and I can’t wait to meet Kimberlee and Sue for an evening of celebration.

I am so grateful for my Empathy Activist community, without whom this wouldn’t have been possible. This one’s for us!

Check out my socials next Saturday, May 6 to see the outcome and pics of the event. I’ll post on IG and LinkedIn.

Reading Between the Lines is a newsletter designed to deliver of-the-moment insights into human behavior and empathy, drawn from the world of marketing research; practical and tactical tips on using the skill of empathy in everyday life; and exclusive updates to keep my community close on a biweekly basis.

I hope you enjoyed this issue. If you know of others that would be interested, I’d appreciate you forwarding this email to them—or inviting them to sign up at the button below. Thank you!

– Rob